Can we just cancel?

OK, enough now, please can we just cancel New Year's Eve and get on with things? I hate NYE, I don't know what am supposed to be celebrating (and hope with meds to sleep through it). I don't want to reflect on what I haven't achieved in the past year, too scared to consider the coming one. I need some support, and appointments being suspended over the "holiday" period don't help. Oh, and I seem to have a coldy nasty thing going on which isn't helping. Bah Humbug.

Surviving Christmas

Hope if anyone reads this, that you have as good a Christmas as possible. I am going to slope off for a bit, not that it will make any difference as my posting isn't prolific! The stress is rising, the sleep is reducing, meds are increasing, tis the season etc...
Be safe

Voyeurism?

This blog is hard to write. I am wondering if I am just a voyeur. I like reading several blogs and feel less alone when I read mental health blogs that I can relate to. I am worried to write here though. Is it ok to read others' blogs and yet write sparsely here? I am paranoid about remaining anonymous. I write in several places on the internet on different topics. I hoped I could restart blogging and that this could be my safe place to let out what I can't say elsewhere. But am worried that what I hoped isn't possible. I am not an exciting person, I don't have world shattering news, or theories or great ideas. But I do feel and have opinions and I am trying to be a person who can make links with other persons. I don't know about this anymore...if I stop blogging again, another failure, another loss of connection. But if I continue, in this small paranoid fashion... Really not sure.

... exhausted

Today I feel exhausted. My head gymnastics are wearing me out so thought I would spend the day wearing myself out physically, becoming perfectly congruent inside and out somehow...
Domestic chores started early this morning, I seem to start one job and mid way through start on something else, forgetting what I was doing before so again start anew, so by the end of my self imposed finish "that's enough" point, it took ages to clear up all the chaos I'd caused during tidying. I then went to the gym. Sometimes it's a punishment, sometimes it's an achievement, sometimes it's just routine, but I need to go. I never look forward to going but am always glad when I've been. But, I've done too much. Exhausted. Worried that I've made things worse, as not sure I have the energy to deal with my head. But the weekend is nearly done, that's a positive. 

...Wobbly

Wobbly but hopeful, elated but defeated, making progress, falling back.
There is stuff in my head that needs to come out, but there isn't an appropriate bin / disposal unit for it. And how to get it out unobserved but with my head vaguely intact? The visual stuff is very worrying, given that it is new and that I am sleeping much better due to heavy duty meds and it still happens, catching me out. Dissociation is tricky too, I seem to be getting stuck between "there" (the past) and "here", and finding it hard to get back to now properly : ( I do feel that I am making steps forwards, I have good support at the moment (please don't pull it away just yet), wish that I could keep moments of hopefulness in a jar for times like now, when it all falls upside down and I am lost. I know it is a winding journey of recovery, there aren't short cuts like we found while doing cross country at school, it is a long slog.

...Frustrated

Today I feel frustrated.
This will be short, the cold and the snow have stifled me, short of words.
Had hoped this week would have a routine, I like, need, want routines. But, appointments are cancelled - again. There is no safety net. Feel so alone. I know I am lucky to have a roof and be warm. But my head needs some support that I can't seem to give it. 

to sleep or not

There have been awful new things appearing, (I think my cat notices, staring oddly and then rushing about with no direction, but noone else here to witness). I have heard voices for years - or rather, it is more that those that abused me are still around and I hear them, see them, smell them.  Describing this experience as "hearing voices" doesn't do justice to the horror but I also recognise this is how it is explained. But this is new, seeing awful  things that I can't NOT believe. Rats running amok in my flat, dead bodies slumped over my chairs, all sorts of things. Have been hoping that it's "just" sleep deprivation. Heavy duty meds, which either don't work at normal dose and I end up more exhausted and with a meds hangover, or knock me out at max dose and so feel better for having slept, but the stuff is still there. I don't need something else to contend with. Had hoped that a bit of decent sleep would sort it out. I wonder if they will go, I hope so. No appointments this week due to snow - noone to tell. Hmmmph.

A new day

After a crap few days, no sleep and strange goings on inside and outside my head, I am starting again, determined for better days ahead. It has snowed. This makes the grim estate where I live look clean and bright and new. I will go out and look up not down (while trying not to fall over, I always do somehow in wintry weather). I am so lonely, have lost too many connections, so need to remedy that somehow. Maybe start by being a friend to myself - that phrase another reminder that have been listening to mh professionals for far too long. Feeling a little impulsive. Worry about money, energy bills (does anyone else leave the heating on to keep a cat warm?), Christmas (shudder), should reign in my desire to buy nonsense. Maybe I will just go out without money and look at trees and sky and try and see the good bits for today. 

Overheard

I overheard the following exchange in my doctor's surgery this morning. The two men involved were in their maybe 70's, Man 1 was leaving after his appointment, Man 2 was sitting resigned for a long wait for his. The rest of us waiting were all female. Noone was listening, but of course, everyone was.

Man 1: "Alright Bill, are you off down there today?"

Man 2: "Naaah, not today, too many women down there today by now"

What was that about? Where is "down there"? Man 2 did look round after Man 1 had left I'm pleased to say, and I hope he realised his gender was outnumbered.

I am struggling lots just now, I want to keep writing this little blog, I don't want to give up again. But maybe I can just post random things when talking about mental health is too much.

I am unreliable

Am feeling shit. I would say "but half an hour ago I was feeling fab", but now I know that I shouldn't make such statements with any confidence. I am unreliable.
As an aside I just found out I've managed to miss a (formerly very close) friend's birthday by 5 days. I am out of touch with people, it must seem that I don't care to friends I had, I dododo care, don't show it, so might as well not care. I never wanted this.


I am writing this unreliable post thing after seeing my therapist today. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and spent alot of the time playing catch up. Answering the question "how have the last 5 weeks been?" became an ordeal. I couldn't do it. Well, I later realised, I couldn't do it reliably. On the surface (my front works too well) I think it seemed ok. On reflection, in the last five weeks I have at times kept very busy, but also I have hidden in bed, I have returned to self harm, I have felt hopeful, I have dissociated but also managed to stay in some present time, I have felt dead and wanted to be so. I have had significant appointments, started new treatments, had important conversations and had decisions to make.  
In trying to relay what the last few weeks have held for me, what came out? My moods change so quickly, I can't keep up, but to not be able to review a period of time with an overview that actually gives a flavour of this, I am appalled by myself. Nothing relevant, a few snippets that I dismissed at the end of rambling sentences were the important bits, glossed over with nonsense. I can't think in real time. I can dwell and over dwell after the fact. When trying to hold a conversation I can't seem to access or review or allow myself time to think. How on earth am I going to get out of my mess with this kind of self sabotage? I left the session wondering who had been there doing the talking. I know that I edit myself constantly but this is ridiculous. Feel I have misrepresented myself, or more importantly, the truth of how life is for me. Wah Wah Wah. I don't think I can blame BPD for this can I? This is me.

gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Why do "small" things have such an effect? When I hear someone has "bounced back" from something stressful, an illness, a knock back, a redundancy, a loss, I think of resilience, strength, hope. I haven't had any of the above events happen. I have a head full of nothing that makes sense. A medical form arrives, I spend a short time with family, and all hell breaks loose inside me. I would like to bounce back, and no doubt I will crawl back to current existence soon, but also feel ridiculous for apparently minor things having such an impact. Once upon a time I worked, I seemed to manage for a while, I had friends, plans. I want to be capable, useful, look outwards not inwards. Have some bounce. How I am now, this isn't me, but this is all of me.
I don't want to see those who support me. I have nothing to say, yet I need to keep contact to get out of my hole. As I said, gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

Thank you Atos

Thanks very much. I wanted to have a day today that was more peaceful for my head. To catch up with how I feel (I find it hard to work out how I feel while involved/busy with things, the feelings emerge later and need time). But no, I am in a tizz. ESA medical questionnaire has arrived. It only seems five minutes since the last one came, but it is six months, so was to be expected. Only I had blocked it out. No more to say. I am glad that I am being checked up on. It is good for my soaring guilt levels. But, I also despise the whole thing. I want to get better, I am working on it hard. The envelope bumping through the letter box made my heart sink, it shouldn't scare me so much, but it really really does.

...cold

... and wet, and wanting to hibernate. The weather is wild outside. My head is feeling fragile/too "borderline" and things feel a bit wild inside too. Far too many appointments this week, so glad have nothing fixed on tomorrow so am planning a day of catch up. I don't want to see anyone, explain how I feel, talk about mental health or have to leave the flat if I don't want to. Scary weather makes this a very likely scenario. My sleep is not good. 3 hours is a "good" night at the moment which isn't good at all. Insomnia allows voices and flashbacks in more too, so weary. I'd like a break, but then some might say my entire existence is a break. Yes, paranoia from the media coverage of welfare reform is getting to me big time. But not tomorrow please, a mini break tomorrow would be fine. 

...hopeful

This is a new feeling, an unfamiliar one, one that I want to grab (gently) and cuddle. Was dreading the TC assessment. By the time I arrived for the appointment I was freezing cold, damp and very anxious, but managed to maintain an air, I hope, of calm.
It went better than expected. I may still have a chance of being considered for treatment. I didn't dissociate once during the appointment, unheard of ever before when talking about past issues. Somehow I could speak more than last time. I could answer questions. I am amazed at myself. Is this a breakthrough?
I did cry alot of tears, which always embarrasses my fine front, but I got through. Maybe I can change, maybe there is hope. Please visit me again hopeful feelings, I really loved meeting you.

Today I feel... stressed

Gaaaaaah! Overwhelmed. I want to go to bed and hide. But that might make tomorrow come quicker. I have another assessment for a place in a Therapeutic Community tomorrow. I am scared. Last time left me dissociated and feeling unsafe. I believed that the assessors agreed with my assessment of events, that I wasn't suitable. But, I was sent another appointment. The horror of the last one has faded (a bit, not alot) but still not feeling resilient enough for tomorrow's travails. My sleep has gone. I hope it comes back soon. Pressing refresh on my laptop isn't enough distraction for this evening, I need to find something calm and absorbing to do...

Sunday

So, today I feel... rested. Sometimes an "admin" day to catch up on myself helps. I got up late, I went for a walk in the cold sunshine and listened to silence. I removed leaves and slugs from my tiny square of garden. I managed to catch my escaped house catkin with cajoling and silly noises, and treats. Treat of all treats for me, I had an afternoon bath. How fab. My head has quietened down, huge relief as was becoming unbearable. Busy week appointments wise, I hope hope hope I get through it ok, very anxious, but today, resting feels good.

Here goes

I am trying blogging again. Failed last time as got paranoid about talking about myself. But I've found it hard not to have a place to vent. I've kept following blogs and want to try and feel I belong to some sort of community. I have borderline personality disorder (spit). I'm sure there is/was more to me than that but my mental health does swamp my present existence far too much. And the fact that it feels like an existence, rather than a life makes me frown. 
Here is for whatever comes up, see how it goes.