...like giving up

Gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Falling into a well of infinite horror. Embarrassing myself at every turn. Infested flat isn't helping and I can't sort it out. So so tired but so little ability to sleep.
: (

...like cleaning

I am trying to claim back my head, and my flat. Decided this morning that to do that I need to control my environment. I have cleaned like crazy today. My flat, like my head, feels infected. I need to rid it of whatever I have unleashed so that I can stay here. I like my flat. I don't like where it is, but once inside, it feels (or, felt) like home and if I am to live anywhere, then I would like to live here. I am generally a bit of a clean freak and find cleaning therapeutic once I start. But once I start, I over do it. Now it smells of cleaning products (mostly artificial citrus), which isn't good, but means that I have hopefully reduced the infection.
My head, I don't know how to cleanse that. I have been washing - alot. But it feels dirty and broken and that I need to stay in isolation to allow whatever it is to die or leave or fester. Trying to do normal stuff, but I don't feel normal, whatever that is, not even my normal. 
I can't imagine now feeling "ok" for a whole day, or going out socially, or having a conversation that isn't an appointment. How did I get here? My head misbehaving? Life "events"? My stupidity? Stress? BPD isn't my name, but it feels like I am embodying it just now. Sick sick sick of it all.
Bath time.