After going to bed last night feeling fairly ok, and sleeping a good few hours (hooray) I do not understand why I have felt so shit today. Like a pile of rubble has been dumped on me and my fragile head. I have done so little I can't even write a post about what I have done it is too embarrassing how little I have done. I have cleaned - a little bit, I have walked to the shop. Trying not to binge, trying not to self harm. Go me.
On returning from the shop a man rushed up to me, talking far too much. He insisted that he needed to apologise to me. I didn't recognise him but rarely recognise people, especially when they suddenly appear in front of me. He was apparently the man who has whizzed past me a few times in a car and shouted something out of the window in my direction. I have presumed each time that it was abuse he was shouting and tried to ignore him. He was, in fact, telling me he would give me a lift. He wanted to apologise as he said he realised that I hadn't recognised him. (I still don't!) But he lives near and was obviously trying to be neighbourly. Cynical me. I thanked him for explaining and came back to hide again.
I am now riddled with paranoia - at least I hope it's that and not reality. Why would he want to offer me a lift? He doesn't know me. Scared of my past coming to get me. Has this just caught me on a bad day? Hope can shake this feeling off tomorrow. Am staying in hiding until it makes more sense. I know this post doesn't.
Showing posts with label bingeing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bingeing. Show all posts
Saturday, 9 July 2011
Friday, 8 July 2011
Don't know how I feel so...
...this is what I've done today instead:
* Been to GP's to get weighed, am being monitored as need to reduce my huge size by, erm, about half. So desolate and stuck. Can't seem to cut my reliance on food to help me/stop me feeling.
* Had NHS dentist appointment. Lasted maybe 2 minutes maximum. Don't feel very confident that my teeth are as fine as the dentist seemed to guess after a vague glance inside my mouth.
* Came home for CPN appointment. Wasn't in the mood, felt irritable with the world, my neighbours and the cat. But, it turned out to be really useful - (this seems to happen sometimes, the least welcome appointments can often be fruitful). We talked about what I do to look after myself. I am to look into having some FUN! and to learn how to ENJOY! myself.
Have a lonely weekend ahead, but maybe today's chat will motivate me to change this in future.
I want to continue this blog, but, as my feelings seem hard to detect amongst the mire currently, thought I could talk about the doing rather than how it feels for a bit. Anyway. Will see.
* Been to GP's to get weighed, am being monitored as need to reduce my huge size by, erm, about half. So desolate and stuck. Can't seem to cut my reliance on food to help me/stop me feeling.
* Had NHS dentist appointment. Lasted maybe 2 minutes maximum. Don't feel very confident that my teeth are as fine as the dentist seemed to guess after a vague glance inside my mouth.
* Came home for CPN appointment. Wasn't in the mood, felt irritable with the world, my neighbours and the cat. But, it turned out to be really useful - (this seems to happen sometimes, the least welcome appointments can often be fruitful). We talked about what I do to look after myself. I am to look into having some FUN! and to learn how to ENJOY! myself.
Have a lonely weekend ahead, but maybe today's chat will motivate me to change this in future.
I want to continue this blog, but, as my feelings seem hard to detect amongst the mire currently, thought I could talk about the doing rather than how it feels for a bit. Anyway. Will see.
Saturday, 19 February 2011
... tentatively hopeful?
Will this last? A few things have changed. Feel in flux, but I so hope it's heading in a positive direction.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.
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