How different the outside can be from the inside

Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.

I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.

I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?

Gah

Today I feel...
Lonely, isolated, alone.
Ill, low energy, flagging.
That I want to do stuff but don't have the energy.
That I need to do the stuff I want to do because I need to distract my head from its thoughts, my heart from its feelings.
Old, realising I will be 40 this year. Did I mention alone, yes, I feel very alone.
What have I achieved in my nearly 40 years? Some pointless bits of paper that say I am qualified to do stuff that I can't now do as confidence gone, too terrified of people, responsibility, failure. I can live on my own, I can wash and dress and smile. I can be just fine thank you. I never feel it though. Is that good? I have made a few friends but lost most of them. I am frightened of myself.

This isn't supposed to be the story. All the shoulds revolve constantly (work, being sociable, going out, being useful, productive...) I want to work, I want to work without getting ill. The next job I have I want to keep. How to get there?
Maybe this'll be the year. I want to change, I need to change.
I have a little bit of change that needs to last me over a week.
HNY

Voyeurism?

This blog is hard to write. I am wondering if I am just a voyeur. I like reading several blogs and feel less alone when I read mental health blogs that I can relate to. I am worried to write here though. Is it ok to read others' blogs and yet write sparsely here? I am paranoid about remaining anonymous. I write in several places on the internet on different topics. I hoped I could restart blogging and that this could be my safe place to let out what I can't say elsewhere. But am worried that what I hoped isn't possible. I am not an exciting person, I don't have world shattering news, or theories or great ideas. But I do feel and have opinions and I am trying to be a person who can make links with other persons. I don't know about this anymore...if I stop blogging again, another failure, another loss of connection. But if I continue, in this small paranoid fashion... Really not sure.

...Frustrated

Today I feel frustrated.
This will be short, the cold and the snow have stifled me, short of words.
Had hoped this week would have a routine, I like, need, want routines. But, appointments are cancelled - again. There is no safety net. Feel so alone. I know I am lucky to have a roof and be warm. But my head needs some support that I can't seem to give it. 

A new day

After a crap few days, no sleep and strange goings on inside and outside my head, I am starting again, determined for better days ahead. It has snowed. This makes the grim estate where I live look clean and bright and new. I will go out and look up not down (while trying not to fall over, I always do somehow in wintry weather). I am so lonely, have lost too many connections, so need to remedy that somehow. Maybe start by being a friend to myself - that phrase another reminder that have been listening to mh professionals for far too long. Feeling a little impulsive. Worry about money, energy bills (does anyone else leave the heating on to keep a cat warm?), Christmas (shudder), should reign in my desire to buy nonsense. Maybe I will just go out without money and look at trees and sky and try and see the good bits for today.