...like cleaning

I am trying to claim back my head, and my flat. Decided this morning that to do that I need to control my environment. I have cleaned like crazy today. My flat, like my head, feels infected. I need to rid it of whatever I have unleashed so that I can stay here. I like my flat. I don't like where it is, but once inside, it feels (or, felt) like home and if I am to live anywhere, then I would like to live here. I am generally a bit of a clean freak and find cleaning therapeutic once I start. But once I start, I over do it. Now it smells of cleaning products (mostly artificial citrus), which isn't good, but means that I have hopefully reduced the infection.
My head, I don't know how to cleanse that. I have been washing - alot. But it feels dirty and broken and that I need to stay in isolation to allow whatever it is to die or leave or fester. Trying to do normal stuff, but I don't feel normal, whatever that is, not even my normal. 
I can't imagine now feeling "ok" for a whole day, or going out socially, or having a conversation that isn't an appointment. How did I get here? My head misbehaving? Life "events"? My stupidity? Stress? BPD isn't my name, but it feels like I am embodying it just now. Sick sick sick of it all.
Bath time.

...as if I'm on the edge of crisis

I don't want to go there again. I am so so tired due to lack of sleep. The meds don't work and am looking at ways to "treat" myself which is always alluring and never a good idea. It's ok if it's just me that feels am whirling into crisis. It's definitely not ok if others think that too. Saying "No, I'm fine, really" doesn't appease worried professionals who are just doing their job but are intensely annoying when I just want to be on my own. People who I usually trust to some extent, become so unwelcome and almost threatening. I don't trust them, I don't trust me. This is awful, but I wish it could be seen, this mess in my head. So I could point and say "ouch, please help". I can't, it's all hidden away behind polite smiles and desperate attempts to remain appropriate.

Philip Larkin was right

It is getting to the point where I am almost laughing at how bad things are. But, not really. How long to keep doing my list of distractions on the crisis plan. fjweotfhap;ew airghqireo gtaierhgoierjgo3OORJFTosajrogjrgfopeopteropjesojdgoiaejrgaejr'gojrotg'oaejrgpojrtorjgaoperdjgore;gojreogj'aoprjgopaer'raeojgeaordgjadjhgorje'g5opmeeva0o03W90HOJ54ETOSHT;ILOPEAUJRGFOLAIW'P;JHG4wojrg[opljgvoi u4er4EJRG[5EOJVO54;ROPGJ