Will this last? A few things have changed. Feel in flux, but I so hope it's heading in a positive direction.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Saturday, 19 February 2011
Thursday, 27 January 2011
...as if I'm on the edge of crisis
I don't want to go there again. I am so so tired due to lack of sleep. The meds don't work and am looking at ways to "treat" myself which is always alluring and never a good idea. It's ok if it's just me that feels am whirling into crisis. It's definitely not ok if others think that too. Saying "No, I'm fine, really" doesn't appease worried professionals who are just doing their job but are intensely annoying when I just want to be on my own. People who I usually trust to some extent, become so unwelcome and almost threatening. I don't trust them, I don't trust me. This is awful, but I wish it could be seen, this mess in my head. So I could point and say "ouch, please help". I can't, it's all hidden away behind polite smiles and desperate attempts to remain appropriate.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
...that maybe lists don't work afterall
I wasn't going to get up today. I didn't get up until after lunchtime. I had a list of things I was going to do, cleaning / sorting / bits of art / therapy homework etc. Nothing major, not solving any world dilemmas or crises, just things to get me through my day, and a Sunday - the most difficult of the week.
Everyday I write a list of what I need to do. Usually I start a list at the beginning of the week and put in what is due to happen, eg, appointments, gym visits etc. Then I fill it in until it is full up for the week and add stuff as time goes on. Without a list I feel anchorless and alot more anxious. I need to feel I have achieved something, which I find very hard to do as am not at work and work was what I used to try and feel a sense of achievement. I need to have time filled up, no time for my head to take off in unwelcome and often unsafe directions. Even if I just tick off "clean kitchen floor" (and actually do it), it is something that I have done and that is a good thing.
Today, I haven't followed my list, have gone off list. My one local friend invited me to go for a walk with her and her partner. I went. I didn't stay in bed as had seemed inevitable after 1 hour's sleep and it being Sunday and all. It was cloudy and chilly, but it was lovely to be out. To get muddy and cold and a bit damp. To come home and have tea and cake. To have friends in my flat who talked to me, who listened to me and who are lovely to me. The only people who usually come to my flat are mh workers and occasionally my parents. Today I had friends here. For those few hours, I was free of my lists. I didn't worry about them. Although I now feel anxious that I haven't done what I promised (this usually provokes self harm as punishment), I am wondering if the lists are actually helping or hindering me. Can I free wheel through the endless days? Can I do what I feel like when I feel like it? Or will I end up not getting up some days and stupidly active on others trying to catch up. Would it be better or worse? I don't know. But it's made me think.
Everyday I write a list of what I need to do. Usually I start a list at the beginning of the week and put in what is due to happen, eg, appointments, gym visits etc. Then I fill it in until it is full up for the week and add stuff as time goes on. Without a list I feel anchorless and alot more anxious. I need to feel I have achieved something, which I find very hard to do as am not at work and work was what I used to try and feel a sense of achievement. I need to have time filled up, no time for my head to take off in unwelcome and often unsafe directions. Even if I just tick off "clean kitchen floor" (and actually do it), it is something that I have done and that is a good thing.
Today, I haven't followed my list, have gone off list. My one local friend invited me to go for a walk with her and her partner. I went. I didn't stay in bed as had seemed inevitable after 1 hour's sleep and it being Sunday and all. It was cloudy and chilly, but it was lovely to be out. To get muddy and cold and a bit damp. To come home and have tea and cake. To have friends in my flat who talked to me, who listened to me and who are lovely to me. The only people who usually come to my flat are mh workers and occasionally my parents. Today I had friends here. For those few hours, I was free of my lists. I didn't worry about them. Although I now feel anxious that I haven't done what I promised (this usually provokes self harm as punishment), I am wondering if the lists are actually helping or hindering me. Can I free wheel through the endless days? Can I do what I feel like when I feel like it? Or will I end up not getting up some days and stupidly active on others trying to catch up. Would it be better or worse? I don't know. But it's made me think.
Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Can we just cancel?
OK, enough now, please can we just cancel New Year's Eve and get on with things? I hate NYE, I don't know what am supposed to be celebrating (and hope with meds to sleep through it). I don't want to reflect on what I haven't achieved in the past year, too scared to consider the coming one. I need some support, and appointments being suspended over the "holiday" period don't help. Oh, and I seem to have a coldy nasty thing going on which isn't helping. Bah Humbug.
Friday, 10 December 2010
...Wobbly
Wobbly but hopeful, elated but defeated, making progress, falling back.
There is stuff in my head that needs to come out, but there isn't an appropriate bin / disposal unit for it. And how to get it out unobserved but with my head vaguely intact? The visual stuff is very worrying, given that it is new and that I am sleeping much better due to heavy duty meds and it still happens, catching me out. Dissociation is tricky too, I seem to be getting stuck between "there" (the past) and "here", and finding it hard to get back to now properly : ( I do feel that I am making steps forwards, I have good support at the moment (please don't pull it away just yet), wish that I could keep moments of hopefulness in a jar for times like now, when it all falls upside down and I am lost. I know it is a winding journey of recovery, there aren't short cuts like we found while doing cross country at school, it is a long slog.
There is stuff in my head that needs to come out, but there isn't an appropriate bin / disposal unit for it. And how to get it out unobserved but with my head vaguely intact? The visual stuff is very worrying, given that it is new and that I am sleeping much better due to heavy duty meds and it still happens, catching me out. Dissociation is tricky too, I seem to be getting stuck between "there" (the past) and "here", and finding it hard to get back to now properly : ( I do feel that I am making steps forwards, I have good support at the moment (please don't pull it away just yet), wish that I could keep moments of hopefulness in a jar for times like now, when it all falls upside down and I am lost. I know it is a winding journey of recovery, there aren't short cuts like we found while doing cross country at school, it is a long slog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)