slipping

Slipping down into... what?
My energy is gone. I cannot sleep but I cannot properly be awake.
I have given myself so many excuses that I don't need to make the 3 minute walk to the shop. It can wait, I can wait, life can wait.
I have a list, things that I need to do, things that I haven't done, this list preys on my mind. As if doom is certain if I don't get the minutiae of life done. Does any of it matter? It has to in a way, what else does?
I am grateful for a break in therapy but, I am lost in it too.

How different the outside can be from the inside

Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.

I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.

I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?

...Frozen,

or caught in the headlights, petrified. A place has come up suddenly at the TC for me. My head is in a messy awful place. Have been on edge of crisis for few weeks now if that's even possible. I don't feel ready. Very scared. But does this mean I am in fact ready? To jump in, to try and float in a sea of everyone else's struggles which I always seem to swallow and push down my own. Also the endings thing, I am leaving support that I've had for several years to go to the TC, but no time to prepare, for "closure" (ugh), to enable my head to move on. I have stopped talking, it's too hard. And it is put down to me having cold feet. I already had a flood of stuff to get through with mh support, now I feel silenced by fear and unable to sort out the stuff. Do I take it with me? Will I be able to deal with that in a group when I can't even face talking 1:1? Bingeing again - as if to make visual the fact that I am filling up with unprocessed awfuls.  

I am unreliable

Am feeling shit. I would say "but half an hour ago I was feeling fab", but now I know that I shouldn't make such statements with any confidence. I am unreliable.
As an aside I just found out I've managed to miss a (formerly very close) friend's birthday by 5 days. I am out of touch with people, it must seem that I don't care to friends I had, I dododo care, don't show it, so might as well not care. I never wanted this.


I am writing this unreliable post thing after seeing my therapist today. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and spent alot of the time playing catch up. Answering the question "how have the last 5 weeks been?" became an ordeal. I couldn't do it. Well, I later realised, I couldn't do it reliably. On the surface (my front works too well) I think it seemed ok. On reflection, in the last five weeks I have at times kept very busy, but also I have hidden in bed, I have returned to self harm, I have felt hopeful, I have dissociated but also managed to stay in some present time, I have felt dead and wanted to be so. I have had significant appointments, started new treatments, had important conversations and had decisions to make.  
In trying to relay what the last few weeks have held for me, what came out? My moods change so quickly, I can't keep up, but to not be able to review a period of time with an overview that actually gives a flavour of this, I am appalled by myself. Nothing relevant, a few snippets that I dismissed at the end of rambling sentences were the important bits, glossed over with nonsense. I can't think in real time. I can dwell and over dwell after the fact. When trying to hold a conversation I can't seem to access or review or allow myself time to think. How on earth am I going to get out of my mess with this kind of self sabotage? I left the session wondering who had been there doing the talking. I know that I edit myself constantly but this is ridiculous. Feel I have misrepresented myself, or more importantly, the truth of how life is for me. Wah Wah Wah. I don't think I can blame BPD for this can I? This is me.