Want to write, just not sure what to say. Had and having a really crappy time. This is the first weekend in a while that I am trying to survive through alone, having had crisis team support to get through the past few. (They did help this time).
The crunch seems to be, I have no idea why I am alive. The futility of it all feels all consuming and overwhelming, clouding all attempts to distract, be busy, just do stuff. I have no relationship to work for, no family of my own to be better for, to be there (here?) for. I have lost links with close family and most friends. There is noone who needs me. It seems I am working towards working again, something that terrifies me. Workers tell me of the value of work, of how much I have to offer (ha!) how good it is for everyone. I have always thought that I want, need to get back to work and that has been motivating in the past. I used to live to work, it defined my very being.
Now? Now I dread it, dread failing again, letting people down again, dread the paranoia contact with people evokes, dread the deadening exhaustion of working without sleep, dread working without a life to make it seem worth it. For years I have been driven by the guilt that being on benefits brings. Is this any reason to keep going? How to see beyond this pointlessness?
This is why I haven't written, why I don't know what to write. I want to reach out but then this comes out.
Showing posts with label ESA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ESA. Show all posts
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Saturday, 19 February 2011
... tentatively hopeful?
Will this last? A few things have changed. Feel in flux, but I so hope it's heading in a positive direction.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
One month before heartbreak post
http://onemonthbeforeheartbreak.blogspot.com/
I have no idea if I have posted the link properly above, (dinosaur me), but just want to credit the fact that I heard about the One Month Before Heartbreak idea through reading Karita's great post on If Narky, Feed Profusely and an idea from Phil Groom? If anyone can point me in the direction of crediting/linking properly that would be so kind, if anyone is in fact reading. Thankyou.
I have a postcard on my fridge door. I have had it for years and it came as a birthday card a long time ago. Somehow while I was making tea in the early hours, it got me thinking about this post, and this DLA disaster about to happen, the big society idea etc. I like the sound of the big society in some ways, the idea of communities coming together, working together, increasing tolerance and understanding. But, providing services that otherwise will be lost due to cuts, relying on volunteers to excess, no. I don't understand how the party who dreamt this Big Society up can genuinely look people in the eye and say that they were also the party whose leader in the past said "there is no such thing as society".
The postcard: A long dining table with benches on 3 sides, each with many small white rabbits sitting on them. A larger (adult?) rabbit is standing at the 4th side of the table, holding a very large carrot in one paw, and is about to cut up the carrot with a knife, presumably to feed the many other smaller rabbits.
This may sound strange, please forgive me. But I got to thinking, always dangerous. The bigger / adult rabbit who is standing up -or the one that seems to be in charge (she looks kind and friendly so not sure I can make the leap to a comparison with the ConDems but anyway...) seems to be providing for the other, smaller rabbits, who are waiting to be fed, they don't have any food of their own. They are looking expectantly, but none of them is grabbing for the food or fighting for it.
I am not too well at the moment but I am not a small white rabbit, that I do know. And I can go and get food. I can cut it up. In that respect I am absolutely fine. However, I am not able to work at the moment, supported by several mh professionals. I live on ESA and DLA. This isn't what I want or what I planned to happen for me. I have lost four jobs (so far) due to my mental ill health. I want to work and get to a place where I can do that sustainably without lurching between crises. I want to be independent. I want to be able to provide carrots for those who cannot provide them for themselves and one day I hope this is achievable. But I do need time to be able to get there, and without DLA I doubt that I could keep my tiny HA flat or get to appointments, activities that aim to support me.
What if one of those rabbits (or one in four) is accidentally missed out, or missed out on purpose and doesn't get his/her slice of carrot to sustain him/her until the next meal? What if s/he lacks confidence to ask for help, what if s/he is too ashamed to ask because others might say s/he doesn't deserve the carrot? What if what if what if. I am trying to make a point, and failing, but on I go...
DLA is the carrot. It is necessary to provide for those who can't provide for themselves, whether this is long or short term. I fear that for those with mental health issues, issues that we can't see and which many do not want to see or acknowledge, DLA will become "unnecessary" as of course many of us are mobile or not deemed to be in greatest need.
I have gone on long enough. The idea made sense, I doubt the post does, but, there, I tried.
I have no idea if I have posted the link properly above, (dinosaur me), but just want to credit the fact that I heard about the One Month Before Heartbreak idea through reading Karita's great post on If Narky, Feed Profusely and an idea from Phil Groom? If anyone can point me in the direction of crediting/linking properly that would be so kind, if anyone is in fact reading. Thankyou.
I have a postcard on my fridge door. I have had it for years and it came as a birthday card a long time ago. Somehow while I was making tea in the early hours, it got me thinking about this post, and this DLA disaster about to happen, the big society idea etc. I like the sound of the big society in some ways, the idea of communities coming together, working together, increasing tolerance and understanding. But, providing services that otherwise will be lost due to cuts, relying on volunteers to excess, no. I don't understand how the party who dreamt this Big Society up can genuinely look people in the eye and say that they were also the party whose leader in the past said "there is no such thing as society".
The postcard: A long dining table with benches on 3 sides, each with many small white rabbits sitting on them. A larger (adult?) rabbit is standing at the 4th side of the table, holding a very large carrot in one paw, and is about to cut up the carrot with a knife, presumably to feed the many other smaller rabbits.
This may sound strange, please forgive me. But I got to thinking, always dangerous. The bigger / adult rabbit who is standing up -or the one that seems to be in charge (she looks kind and friendly so not sure I can make the leap to a comparison with the ConDems but anyway...) seems to be providing for the other, smaller rabbits, who are waiting to be fed, they don't have any food of their own. They are looking expectantly, but none of them is grabbing for the food or fighting for it.
I am not too well at the moment but I am not a small white rabbit, that I do know. And I can go and get food. I can cut it up. In that respect I am absolutely fine. However, I am not able to work at the moment, supported by several mh professionals. I live on ESA and DLA. This isn't what I want or what I planned to happen for me. I have lost four jobs (so far) due to my mental ill health. I want to work and get to a place where I can do that sustainably without lurching between crises. I want to be independent. I want to be able to provide carrots for those who cannot provide them for themselves and one day I hope this is achievable. But I do need time to be able to get there, and without DLA I doubt that I could keep my tiny HA flat or get to appointments, activities that aim to support me.
What if one of those rabbits (or one in four) is accidentally missed out, or missed out on purpose and doesn't get his/her slice of carrot to sustain him/her until the next meal? What if s/he lacks confidence to ask for help, what if s/he is too ashamed to ask because others might say s/he doesn't deserve the carrot? What if what if what if. I am trying to make a point, and failing, but on I go...
DLA is the carrot. It is necessary to provide for those who can't provide for themselves, whether this is long or short term. I fear that for those with mental health issues, issues that we can't see and which many do not want to see or acknowledge, DLA will become "unnecessary" as of course many of us are mobile or not deemed to be in greatest need.
I have gone on long enough. The idea made sense, I doubt the post does, but, there, I tried.
Friday, 12 November 2010
Thank you Atos
Thanks very much. I wanted to have a day today that was more peaceful for my head. To catch up with how I feel (I find it hard to work out how I feel while involved/busy with things, the feelings emerge later and need time). But no, I am in a tizz. ESA medical questionnaire has arrived. It only seems five minutes since the last one came, but it is six months, so was to be expected. Only I had blocked it out. No more to say. I am glad that I am being checked up on. It is good for my soaring guilt levels. But, I also despise the whole thing. I want to get better, I am working on it hard. The envelope bumping through the letter box made my heart sink, it shouldn't scare me so much, but it really really does.
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