... tentatively hopeful?

Will this last? A few things have changed. Feel in flux, but I so hope it's heading in a positive direction.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.

...Wobbly

Wobbly but hopeful, elated but defeated, making progress, falling back.
There is stuff in my head that needs to come out, but there isn't an appropriate bin / disposal unit for it. And how to get it out unobserved but with my head vaguely intact? The visual stuff is very worrying, given that it is new and that I am sleeping much better due to heavy duty meds and it still happens, catching me out. Dissociation is tricky too, I seem to be getting stuck between "there" (the past) and "here", and finding it hard to get back to now properly : ( I do feel that I am making steps forwards, I have good support at the moment (please don't pull it away just yet), wish that I could keep moments of hopefulness in a jar for times like now, when it all falls upside down and I am lost. I know it is a winding journey of recovery, there aren't short cuts like we found while doing cross country at school, it is a long slog.

...hopeful

This is a new feeling, an unfamiliar one, one that I want to grab (gently) and cuddle. Was dreading the TC assessment. By the time I arrived for the appointment I was freezing cold, damp and very anxious, but managed to maintain an air, I hope, of calm.
It went better than expected. I may still have a chance of being considered for treatment. I didn't dissociate once during the appointment, unheard of ever before when talking about past issues. Somehow I could speak more than last time. I could answer questions. I am amazed at myself. Is this a breakthrough?
I did cry alot of tears, which always embarrasses my fine front, but I got through. Maybe I can change, maybe there is hope. Please visit me again hopeful feelings, I really loved meeting you.