Don't know how I feel so...

...this is what I've done today instead:
* Been to GP's to get weighed, am being monitored as need to reduce my huge size by, erm, about half. So desolate and stuck. Can't seem to cut my reliance on food to help me/stop me feeling.

* Had NHS dentist appointment. Lasted maybe 2 minutes maximum. Don't feel very confident that my teeth are as fine as the dentist seemed to guess after a vague glance inside my mouth.

* Came home for CPN appointment. Wasn't in the mood, felt irritable with the world, my neighbours and the cat. But, it turned out to be really useful - (this seems to happen sometimes, the least welcome appointments can often be fruitful). We talked about what I do to look after myself. I am to look into having some FUN! and to learn how to ENJOY! myself.

Have a lonely weekend ahead, but maybe today's chat will motivate me to change this in future.
I want to continue this blog, but, as my feelings seem hard to detect amongst the mire currently, thought I could talk about the doing rather than how it feels for a bit. Anyway. Will see.

ugh

Riveting here ain't it?! Still battling with myself as to whether it's safe to post here about how I feel, so not around much, but still following others so keeping this blog (barely) alive.
Currently the jury is out as to whether I can safely write but am still feeling lots and nowhere to go with it.
Struggling with urges to cut, as if running away from my head but keep returning to the same circular train of thoughts that will not leave me alone. Will cutting help? No. Will it reinforce my self hatred? Yes. Will it give more weight to the BPd diagnosis? Probably/yes. Wah.
But I am still alive and able to think about these things so it's not all bad.

How different the outside can be from the inside

Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.

I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.

I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?

...lots of things

Feelings feel like flashes, no idea what they are called or how to describe, am challenged to name them, to talk about them. How to do them. Am I emotionally illiterate. Feelings dominate my life and I am in their grip.
I am in a bad place, reacting to feelings, things that I have said that I can't process. Or, rather, I am trying, through "unhealthy means"

Feelings, or words that I should be able to connect to at the moment might be:
angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, desperate, lonely, bereft, isolated, misunderstood, lost, frightened.

The list becomes meaningless, I don't understand how much pain one can experience and yet not be able to voice this or for this to be evident to others.
"I AM FINE"

Who on earth am I?

Struggling again with identity. When alone it doesn't matter. Or does it matter more because I am alone, does my confusion about this add to keeping me alone? When around people, who on earth am I? Most people have different sides to themselves that come to the fore in different situations I think. I believe that I have good insight but I don't know how I come across, so maybe I don't have insight - something I have been clinging to with hope. Maybe because how I feel is so at odds with how I seem to be able to perform.
So, as I have no idea what to write here, thought I'd start a list of roles and things that I feel identify me, see if that helps. Self absorbed, me??!

I am:
female
british
gay
binge eater
borderline
obese
mental health service user
graduate
daughter
sister
aunty
friend (bit unsure of this just now but trying)
gym member
benefit scum
walker
community member
patient
cat owner
tenant
radio 4 listener

Wonder what made these come out in this order... they aren't all in order of importance. Or my order of importance, but what do I know, no idea who I am or what I think.

I think I'm back, isn't that thrilling?

Maybe I will blog again, third time lucky?
But, due to ongoing paranoia am thinking of maybe just doing one line posts, or mundane mumblings of small life stuff. Will see. Have just missed feeling part of the blogging community, even tho still following the blogs I regularly read, it seems/feels wrong to not at least try and blog myself.
Brief update, have started TC. It is very very very very very hard. My head is hurting and I am hurting myself to try and relieve this pain.
Small life stuff has helped today though, why are jobs like emptying bins, cleaning the bathroom, washing my cat's food bowls, doing washing, sooo satisfying? Blue sky and sunshine outside, but can't face leaving my flat as neighbours are outside. How pathetic. How nice it is to moan here again. Maybe I say too much for one liners....

...like this

...like cleaning

I am trying to claim back my head, and my flat. Decided this morning that to do that I need to control my environment. I have cleaned like crazy today. My flat, like my head, feels infected. I need to rid it of whatever I have unleashed so that I can stay here. I like my flat. I don't like where it is, but once inside, it feels (or, felt) like home and if I am to live anywhere, then I would like to live here. I am generally a bit of a clean freak and find cleaning therapeutic once I start. But once I start, I over do it. Now it smells of cleaning products (mostly artificial citrus), which isn't good, but means that I have hopefully reduced the infection.
My head, I don't know how to cleanse that. I have been washing - alot. But it feels dirty and broken and that I need to stay in isolation to allow whatever it is to die or leave or fester. Trying to do normal stuff, but I don't feel normal, whatever that is, not even my normal. 
I can't imagine now feeling "ok" for a whole day, or going out socially, or having a conversation that isn't an appointment. How did I get here? My head misbehaving? Life "events"? My stupidity? Stress? BPD isn't my name, but it feels like I am embodying it just now. Sick sick sick of it all.
Bath time.

...Disabled by DLA consultation

Twice now I have looked at the DLA consultation which ends on 14 February. The first time I read most of the document (took ages, hard to take it all in) and planned to think about it and go back and respond. The second time, I read a bit more and wanted to add my response. But I haven't. I feel unable to respond. I feel frightened by authority at the best of times. Paranoia about cctv, police, post from anywhere "official" etc doesn't help when I am asked to register my details on a consultation form where what I want to say may be seen as criticism rather than comment, questions I want to ask rather than answers to questions I am asked. I am scared of the backlash. What if those who do respond to the consultation are then denied benefits because of the comments made? 
I wanted to urge those making the changes to include the need for mental health specialists to be involved in the application form, assessment, and review process. I wanted to remind/tell them that my mental health, and that of many others, can fluctuate within the day, hour by hour. Sometimes I can do things, other times I can't. I don't want those who are invisibly disabled to society at large to be left unsupported as our needs cannot be easily seen or described. 
I am ashamed of my fear but my fear won't let me respond.

I am unreliable

Am feeling shit. I would say "but half an hour ago I was feeling fab", but now I know that I shouldn't make such statements with any confidence. I am unreliable.
As an aside I just found out I've managed to miss a (formerly very close) friend's birthday by 5 days. I am out of touch with people, it must seem that I don't care to friends I had, I dododo care, don't show it, so might as well not care. I never wanted this.


I am writing this unreliable post thing after seeing my therapist today. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and spent alot of the time playing catch up. Answering the question "how have the last 5 weeks been?" became an ordeal. I couldn't do it. Well, I later realised, I couldn't do it reliably. On the surface (my front works too well) I think it seemed ok. On reflection, in the last five weeks I have at times kept very busy, but also I have hidden in bed, I have returned to self harm, I have felt hopeful, I have dissociated but also managed to stay in some present time, I have felt dead and wanted to be so. I have had significant appointments, started new treatments, had important conversations and had decisions to make.  
In trying to relay what the last few weeks have held for me, what came out? My moods change so quickly, I can't keep up, but to not be able to review a period of time with an overview that actually gives a flavour of this, I am appalled by myself. Nothing relevant, a few snippets that I dismissed at the end of rambling sentences were the important bits, glossed over with nonsense. I can't think in real time. I can dwell and over dwell after the fact. When trying to hold a conversation I can't seem to access or review or allow myself time to think. How on earth am I going to get out of my mess with this kind of self sabotage? I left the session wondering who had been there doing the talking. I know that I edit myself constantly but this is ridiculous. Feel I have misrepresented myself, or more importantly, the truth of how life is for me. Wah Wah Wah. I don't think I can blame BPD for this can I? This is me.

...cold

... and wet, and wanting to hibernate. The weather is wild outside. My head is feeling fragile/too "borderline" and things feel a bit wild inside too. Far too many appointments this week, so glad have nothing fixed on tomorrow so am planning a day of catch up. I don't want to see anyone, explain how I feel, talk about mental health or have to leave the flat if I don't want to. Scary weather makes this a very likely scenario. My sleep is not good. 3 hours is a "good" night at the moment which isn't good at all. Insomnia allows voices and flashbacks in more too, so weary. I'd like a break, but then some might say my entire existence is a break. Yes, paranoia from the media coverage of welfare reform is getting to me big time. But not tomorrow please, a mini break tomorrow would be fine.