Thursday 26 May 2011
...that I have no idea
what to write here. Things are not going well. At. All. But too suspicious to write down what is going on. Wish I could. Wish I could ask for help and feel ok with doing that. A bank holiday weekend too, lots of time on my fat hands.
Thursday 12 May 2011
How different the outside can be from the inside
Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.
I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.
I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?
I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.
I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?
Saturday 7 May 2011
...lots of things
Feelings feel like flashes, no idea what they are called or how to describe, am challenged to name them, to talk about them. How to do them. Am I emotionally illiterate. Feelings dominate my life and I am in their grip.
I am in a bad place, reacting to feelings, things that I have said that I can't process. Or, rather, I am trying, through "unhealthy means"
Feelings, or words that I should be able to connect to at the moment might be:
angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, desperate, lonely, bereft, isolated, misunderstood, lost, frightened.
The list becomes meaningless, I don't understand how much pain one can experience and yet not be able to voice this or for this to be evident to others.
"I AM FINE"
I am in a bad place, reacting to feelings, things that I have said that I can't process. Or, rather, I am trying, through "unhealthy means"
Feelings, or words that I should be able to connect to at the moment might be:
angry, resentful, frustrated, sad, desperate, lonely, bereft, isolated, misunderstood, lost, frightened.
The list becomes meaningless, I don't understand how much pain one can experience and yet not be able to voice this or for this to be evident to others.
"I AM FINE"
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