Wobbly but hopeful, elated but defeated, making progress, falling back.
There is stuff in my head that needs to come out, but there isn't an appropriate bin / disposal unit for it. And how to get it out unobserved but with my head vaguely intact? The visual stuff is very worrying, given that it is new and that I am sleeping much better due to heavy duty meds and it still happens, catching me out. Dissociation is tricky too, I seem to be getting stuck between "there" (the past) and "here", and finding it hard to get back to now properly : ( I do feel that I am making steps forwards, I have good support at the moment (please don't pull it away just yet), wish that I could keep moments of hopefulness in a jar for times like now, when it all falls upside down and I am lost. I know it is a winding journey of recovery, there aren't short cuts like we found while doing cross country at school, it is a long slog.
Showing posts with label dissociation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissociation. Show all posts
Friday, 10 December 2010
Thursday, 18 November 2010
I am unreliable
Am feeling shit. I would say "but half an hour ago I was feeling fab", but now I know that I shouldn't make such statements with any confidence. I am unreliable.
As an aside I just found out I've managed to miss a (formerly very close) friend's birthday by 5 days. I am out of touch with people, it must seem that I don't care to friends I had, I dododo care, don't show it, so might as well not care. I never wanted this.
I am writing this unreliable post thing after seeing my therapist today. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and spent alot of the time playing catch up. Answering the question "how have the last 5 weeks been?" became an ordeal. I couldn't do it. Well, I later realised, I couldn't do it reliably. On the surface (my front works too well) I think it seemed ok. On reflection, in the last five weeks I have at times kept very busy, but also I have hidden in bed, I have returned to self harm, I have felt hopeful, I have dissociated but also managed to stay in some present time, I have felt dead and wanted to be so. I have had significant appointments, started new treatments, had important conversations and had decisions to make.
In trying to relay what the last few weeks have held for me, what came out? My moods change so quickly, I can't keep up, but to not be able to review a period of time with an overview that actually gives a flavour of this, I am appalled by myself. Nothing relevant, a few snippets that I dismissed at the end of rambling sentences were the important bits, glossed over with nonsense. I can't think in real time. I can dwell and over dwell after the fact. When trying to hold a conversation I can't seem to access or review or allow myself time to think. How on earth am I going to get out of my mess with this kind of self sabotage? I left the session wondering who had been there doing the talking. I know that I edit myself constantly but this is ridiculous. Feel I have misrepresented myself, or more importantly, the truth of how life is for me. Wah Wah Wah. I don't think I can blame BPD for this can I? This is me.
As an aside I just found out I've managed to miss a (formerly very close) friend's birthday by 5 days. I am out of touch with people, it must seem that I don't care to friends I had, I dododo care, don't show it, so might as well not care. I never wanted this.
I am writing this unreliable post thing after seeing my therapist today. I hadn't seen her for a few weeks and spent alot of the time playing catch up. Answering the question "how have the last 5 weeks been?" became an ordeal. I couldn't do it. Well, I later realised, I couldn't do it reliably. On the surface (my front works too well) I think it seemed ok. On reflection, in the last five weeks I have at times kept very busy, but also I have hidden in bed, I have returned to self harm, I have felt hopeful, I have dissociated but also managed to stay in some present time, I have felt dead and wanted to be so. I have had significant appointments, started new treatments, had important conversations and had decisions to make.
In trying to relay what the last few weeks have held for me, what came out? My moods change so quickly, I can't keep up, but to not be able to review a period of time with an overview that actually gives a flavour of this, I am appalled by myself. Nothing relevant, a few snippets that I dismissed at the end of rambling sentences were the important bits, glossed over with nonsense. I can't think in real time. I can dwell and over dwell after the fact. When trying to hold a conversation I can't seem to access or review or allow myself time to think. How on earth am I going to get out of my mess with this kind of self sabotage? I left the session wondering who had been there doing the talking. I know that I edit myself constantly but this is ridiculous. Feel I have misrepresented myself, or more importantly, the truth of how life is for me. Wah Wah Wah. I don't think I can blame BPD for this can I? This is me.
Wednesday, 10 November 2010
...hopeful
This is a new feeling, an unfamiliar one, one that I want to grab (gently) and cuddle. Was dreading the TC assessment. By the time I arrived for the appointment I was freezing cold, damp and very anxious, but managed to maintain an air, I hope, of calm.
It went better than expected. I may still have a chance of being considered for treatment. I didn't dissociate once during the appointment, unheard of ever before when talking about past issues. Somehow I could speak more than last time. I could answer questions. I am amazed at myself. Is this a breakthrough?
I did cry alot of tears, which always embarrasses my fine front, but I got through. Maybe I can change, maybe there is hope. Please visit me again hopeful feelings, I really loved meeting you.
It went better than expected. I may still have a chance of being considered for treatment. I didn't dissociate once during the appointment, unheard of ever before when talking about past issues. Somehow I could speak more than last time. I could answer questions. I am amazed at myself. Is this a breakthrough?
I did cry alot of tears, which always embarrasses my fine front, but I got through. Maybe I can change, maybe there is hope. Please visit me again hopeful feelings, I really loved meeting you.
Monday, 8 November 2010
Today I feel... stressed
Gaaaaaah! Overwhelmed. I want to go to bed and hide. But that might make tomorrow come quicker. I have another assessment for a place in a Therapeutic Community tomorrow. I am scared. Last time left me dissociated and feeling unsafe. I believed that the assessors agreed with my assessment of events, that I wasn't suitable. But, I was sent another appointment. The horror of the last one has faded (a bit, not alot) but still not feeling resilient enough for tomorrow's travails. My sleep has gone. I hope it comes back soon. Pressing refresh on my laptop isn't enough distraction for this evening, I need to find something calm and absorbing to do...
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