...Frustrated

Today I feel frustrated.
This will be short, the cold and the snow have stifled me, short of words.
Had hoped this week would have a routine, I like, need, want routines. But, appointments are cancelled - again. There is no safety net. Feel so alone. I know I am lucky to have a roof and be warm. But my head needs some support that I can't seem to give it. 

to sleep or not

There have been awful new things appearing, (I think my cat notices, staring oddly and then rushing about with no direction, but noone else here to witness). I have heard voices for years - or rather, it is more that those that abused me are still around and I hear them, see them, smell them.  Describing this experience as "hearing voices" doesn't do justice to the horror but I also recognise this is how it is explained. But this is new, seeing awful  things that I can't NOT believe. Rats running amok in my flat, dead bodies slumped over my chairs, all sorts of things. Have been hoping that it's "just" sleep deprivation. Heavy duty meds, which either don't work at normal dose and I end up more exhausted and with a meds hangover, or knock me out at max dose and so feel better for having slept, but the stuff is still there. I don't need something else to contend with. Had hoped that a bit of decent sleep would sort it out. I wonder if they will go, I hope so. No appointments this week due to snow - noone to tell. Hmmmph.

A new day

After a crap few days, no sleep and strange goings on inside and outside my head, I am starting again, determined for better days ahead. It has snowed. This makes the grim estate where I live look clean and bright and new. I will go out and look up not down (while trying not to fall over, I always do somehow in wintry weather). I am so lonely, have lost too many connections, so need to remedy that somehow. Maybe start by being a friend to myself - that phrase another reminder that have been listening to mh professionals for far too long. Feeling a little impulsive. Worry about money, energy bills (does anyone else leave the heating on to keep a cat warm?), Christmas (shudder), should reign in my desire to buy nonsense. Maybe I will just go out without money and look at trees and sky and try and see the good bits for today.