slipping

Slipping down into... what?
My energy is gone. I cannot sleep but I cannot properly be awake.
I have given myself so many excuses that I don't need to make the 3 minute walk to the shop. It can wait, I can wait, life can wait.
I have a list, things that I need to do, things that I haven't done, this list preys on my mind. As if doom is certain if I don't get the minutiae of life done. Does any of it matter? It has to in a way, what else does?
I am grateful for a break in therapy but, I am lost in it too.

How different the outside can be from the inside

Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.

I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.

I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?

I think I'm back, isn't that thrilling?

Maybe I will blog again, third time lucky?
But, due to ongoing paranoia am thinking of maybe just doing one line posts, or mundane mumblings of small life stuff. Will see. Have just missed feeling part of the blogging community, even tho still following the blogs I regularly read, it seems/feels wrong to not at least try and blog myself.
Brief update, have started TC. It is very very very very very hard. My head is hurting and I am hurting myself to try and relieve this pain.
Small life stuff has helped today though, why are jobs like emptying bins, cleaning the bathroom, washing my cat's food bowls, doing washing, sooo satisfying? Blue sky and sunshine outside, but can't face leaving my flat as neighbours are outside. How pathetic. How nice it is to moan here again. Maybe I say too much for one liners....

... tentatively hopeful?

Will this last? A few things have changed. Feel in flux, but I so hope it's heading in a positive direction.
Since last summer I have struggled to sleep more than a couple of hours a night, if that, and that with medication. Somehow, the last two nights, I have slept for a few more hours. Amazing. Thank you sleep fairy for giving my head a break from myself, from the night time of horrors. I know they are still there but I escaped for a while and am so grateful.
The flat infestation is lessening. I still am not sure I believe the theory that this was hallucination but whatever, be gone, sod off, am glad to see the back of you.
I am feeling better about the whole idea of entering the TC. Wobbly but better. Don't overthink, it will be ok, it will be ok, it will be ok.
My see saw bingeing/self harm cycle has slowed. I seem to be (a bit too) disciplined in eating and determined to lose weight. Doubt this will last, but it is a nice change.
Not that they let me know, but ESA is apparently safe for a few more months.
I don't want to pre empt a fall back into hell, but this last 48 hours has let me breathe and see again.

...Frozen,

or caught in the headlights, petrified. A place has come up suddenly at the TC for me. My head is in a messy awful place. Have been on edge of crisis for few weeks now if that's even possible. I don't feel ready. Very scared. But does this mean I am in fact ready? To jump in, to try and float in a sea of everyone else's struggles which I always seem to swallow and push down my own. Also the endings thing, I am leaving support that I've had for several years to go to the TC, but no time to prepare, for "closure" (ugh), to enable my head to move on. I have stopped talking, it's too hard. And it is put down to me having cold feet. I already had a flood of stuff to get through with mh support, now I feel silenced by fear and unable to sort out the stuff. Do I take it with me? Will I be able to deal with that in a group when I can't even face talking 1:1? Bingeing again - as if to make visual the fact that I am filling up with unprocessed awfuls.  

...hopeful

This is a new feeling, an unfamiliar one, one that I want to grab (gently) and cuddle. Was dreading the TC assessment. By the time I arrived for the appointment I was freezing cold, damp and very anxious, but managed to maintain an air, I hope, of calm.
It went better than expected. I may still have a chance of being considered for treatment. I didn't dissociate once during the appointment, unheard of ever before when talking about past issues. Somehow I could speak more than last time. I could answer questions. I am amazed at myself. Is this a breakthrough?
I did cry alot of tears, which always embarrasses my fine front, but I got through. Maybe I can change, maybe there is hope. Please visit me again hopeful feelings, I really loved meeting you.

Today I feel... stressed

Gaaaaaah! Overwhelmed. I want to go to bed and hide. But that might make tomorrow come quicker. I have another assessment for a place in a Therapeutic Community tomorrow. I am scared. Last time left me dissociated and feeling unsafe. I believed that the assessors agreed with my assessment of events, that I wasn't suitable. But, I was sent another appointment. The horror of the last one has faded (a bit, not alot) but still not feeling resilient enough for tomorrow's travails. My sleep has gone. I hope it comes back soon. Pressing refresh on my laptop isn't enough distraction for this evening, I need to find something calm and absorbing to do...