... bad day

After going to bed last night feeling fairly ok, and sleeping a good few hours (hooray) I do not understand why I have felt so shit today. Like a pile of rubble has been dumped on me and my fragile head. I have done so little I can't even write a post about what I have done it is too embarrassing how little I have done. I have cleaned - a little bit, I have walked to the shop. Trying not to binge, trying not to self harm. Go me.
On returning from the shop a man rushed up to me, talking far too much. He insisted that he needed to apologise to me. I didn't recognise him but rarely recognise people, especially when they suddenly appear in front of me. He was apparently the man who has whizzed past me a few times in a car and shouted something out of the window in my direction. I have presumed each time that it was abuse he was shouting and tried to ignore him. He was, in fact, telling me he would give me a lift. He wanted to apologise as he said he realised that I hadn't recognised him. (I still don't!) But he lives near and was obviously trying to be neighbourly. Cynical me. I thanked him for explaining and came back to hide again.

I am now riddled with paranoia - at least I hope it's that and not reality. Why would he want to offer me a lift? He doesn't know me. Scared of my past coming to get me. Has this just caught me on a bad day? Hope can shake this feeling off tomorrow. Am staying in hiding until it makes more sense. I know this post doesn't.

ugh

Riveting here ain't it?! Still battling with myself as to whether it's safe to post here about how I feel, so not around much, but still following others so keeping this blog (barely) alive.
Currently the jury is out as to whether I can safely write but am still feeling lots and nowhere to go with it.
Struggling with urges to cut, as if running away from my head but keep returning to the same circular train of thoughts that will not leave me alone. Will cutting help? No. Will it reinforce my self hatred? Yes. Will it give more weight to the BPd diagnosis? Probably/yes. Wah.
But I am still alive and able to think about these things so it's not all bad.

I think I'm back, isn't that thrilling?

Maybe I will blog again, third time lucky?
But, due to ongoing paranoia am thinking of maybe just doing one line posts, or mundane mumblings of small life stuff. Will see. Have just missed feeling part of the blogging community, even tho still following the blogs I regularly read, it seems/feels wrong to not at least try and blog myself.
Brief update, have started TC. It is very very very very very hard. My head is hurting and I am hurting myself to try and relieve this pain.
Small life stuff has helped today though, why are jobs like emptying bins, cleaning the bathroom, washing my cat's food bowls, doing washing, sooo satisfying? Blue sky and sunshine outside, but can't face leaving my flat as neighbours are outside. How pathetic. How nice it is to moan here again. Maybe I say too much for one liners....

Voyeurism?

This blog is hard to write. I am wondering if I am just a voyeur. I like reading several blogs and feel less alone when I read mental health blogs that I can relate to. I am worried to write here though. Is it ok to read others' blogs and yet write sparsely here? I am paranoid about remaining anonymous. I write in several places on the internet on different topics. I hoped I could restart blogging and that this could be my safe place to let out what I can't say elsewhere. But am worried that what I hoped isn't possible. I am not an exciting person, I don't have world shattering news, or theories or great ideas. But I do feel and have opinions and I am trying to be a person who can make links with other persons. I don't know about this anymore...if I stop blogging again, another failure, another loss of connection. But if I continue, in this small paranoid fashion... Really not sure.

...cold

... and wet, and wanting to hibernate. The weather is wild outside. My head is feeling fragile/too "borderline" and things feel a bit wild inside too. Far too many appointments this week, so glad have nothing fixed on tomorrow so am planning a day of catch up. I don't want to see anyone, explain how I feel, talk about mental health or have to leave the flat if I don't want to. Scary weather makes this a very likely scenario. My sleep is not good. 3 hours is a "good" night at the moment which isn't good at all. Insomnia allows voices and flashbacks in more too, so weary. I'd like a break, but then some might say my entire existence is a break. Yes, paranoia from the media coverage of welfare reform is getting to me big time. But not tomorrow please, a mini break tomorrow would be fine.