what to say?...

Want to write, just not sure what to say. Had and having a really crappy time. This is the first weekend in a while that I am trying to survive through alone, having had crisis team support to get through the past few. (They did help this time). 
The crunch seems to be, I have no idea why I am alive. The futility of it all feels all consuming and overwhelming, clouding all attempts to distract, be busy, just do stuff. I have no relationship to work for, no family of my own to be better for, to be there (here?) for. I have lost links with close family and most friends. There is noone who needs me. It seems I am working towards working again, something that terrifies me. Workers tell me of the value of work, of how much I have to offer (ha!) how good it is for everyone. I have always thought that I want, need to get back to work and that has been motivating in the past. I used to live to work, it defined my very being. 

Now? Now I dread it, dread failing again, letting people down again, dread the paranoia contact with people evokes, dread the deadening exhaustion of working without sleep, dread working without a life to make it seem worth it. For years I have been driven by the guilt that being on benefits brings. Is this any reason to keep going? How to see beyond this pointlessness?
This is why I haven't written, why I don't know what to write. I want to reach out but then this comes out. 

...Frozen,

or caught in the headlights, petrified. A place has come up suddenly at the TC for me. My head is in a messy awful place. Have been on edge of crisis for few weeks now if that's even possible. I don't feel ready. Very scared. But does this mean I am in fact ready? To jump in, to try and float in a sea of everyone else's struggles which I always seem to swallow and push down my own. Also the endings thing, I am leaving support that I've had for several years to go to the TC, but no time to prepare, for "closure" (ugh), to enable my head to move on. I have stopped talking, it's too hard. And it is put down to me having cold feet. I already had a flood of stuff to get through with mh support, now I feel silenced by fear and unable to sort out the stuff. Do I take it with me? Will I be able to deal with that in a group when I can't even face talking 1:1? Bingeing again - as if to make visual the fact that I am filling up with unprocessed awfuls.  

...Disabled by DLA consultation

Twice now I have looked at the DLA consultation which ends on 14 February. The first time I read most of the document (took ages, hard to take it all in) and planned to think about it and go back and respond. The second time, I read a bit more and wanted to add my response. But I haven't. I feel unable to respond. I feel frightened by authority at the best of times. Paranoia about cctv, police, post from anywhere "official" etc doesn't help when I am asked to register my details on a consultation form where what I want to say may be seen as criticism rather than comment, questions I want to ask rather than answers to questions I am asked. I am scared of the backlash. What if those who do respond to the consultation are then denied benefits because of the comments made? 
I wanted to urge those making the changes to include the need for mental health specialists to be involved in the application form, assessment, and review process. I wanted to remind/tell them that my mental health, and that of many others, can fluctuate within the day, hour by hour. Sometimes I can do things, other times I can't. I don't want those who are invisibly disabled to society at large to be left unsupported as our needs cannot be easily seen or described. 
I am ashamed of my fear but my fear won't let me respond.