gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Why do "small" things have such an effect? When I hear someone has "bounced back" from something stressful, an illness, a knock back, a redundancy, a loss, I think of resilience, strength, hope. I haven't had any of the above events happen. I have a head full of nothing that makes sense. A medical form arrives, I spend a short time with family, and all hell breaks loose inside me. I would like to bounce back, and no doubt I will crawl back to current existence soon, but also feel ridiculous for apparently minor things having such an impact. Once upon a time I worked, I seemed to manage for a while, I had friends, plans. I want to be capable, useful, look outwards not inwards. Have some bounce. How I am now, this isn't me, but this is all of me.
I don't want to see those who support me. I have nothing to say, yet I need to keep contact to get out of my hole. As I said, gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

Thank you Atos

Thanks very much. I wanted to have a day today that was more peaceful for my head. To catch up with how I feel (I find it hard to work out how I feel while involved/busy with things, the feelings emerge later and need time). But no, I am in a tizz. ESA medical questionnaire has arrived. It only seems five minutes since the last one came, but it is six months, so was to be expected. Only I had blocked it out. No more to say. I am glad that I am being checked up on. It is good for my soaring guilt levels. But, I also despise the whole thing. I want to get better, I am working on it hard. The envelope bumping through the letter box made my heart sink, it shouldn't scare me so much, but it really really does.