Thursday 27 January 2011

...as if I'm on the edge of crisis

I don't want to go there again. I am so so tired due to lack of sleep. The meds don't work and am looking at ways to "treat" myself which is always alluring and never a good idea. It's ok if it's just me that feels am whirling into crisis. It's definitely not ok if others think that too. Saying "No, I'm fine, really" doesn't appease worried professionals who are just doing their job but are intensely annoying when I just want to be on my own. People who I usually trust to some extent, become so unwelcome and almost threatening. I don't trust them, I don't trust me. This is awful, but I wish it could be seen, this mess in my head. So I could point and say "ouch, please help". I can't, it's all hidden away behind polite smiles and desperate attempts to remain appropriate.
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4 comments:

  1. The Girl From Back Then27 January 2011 at 18:20

    This is how I feel today. If only my head could have a physical form maybe it would be treated with validity, sympathy, something other than the disgust it becomes. A whirlwind whipping up speed in my most important part, and all others can do is know about it. I suspect if they had metallic instruments and tried to scalp away to the core it wouldn't even break skin.

    I keep looking at ways too. It's a mirage though isn't it? An alluring fantasy on how everything would magically fall away. Enough to give me some space up in that mad cage of mine. Sometimes there is just nothing, and I still don't know how to fix that. Why I can't just rest and ride it out in the natural sense. How I can sleep for hours and hours and still feel exhausted.

    I wish I had something more to offer you other than words and understanding and hopes that tomorrow is a brand new feeling sort of day.

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  2. mememe27 January 2011 at 18:30

    Thanks, you write beautifully. I am sorry you feel this too (but you describe it better), but it helps to know that others can understand x

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  3. Narky28 January 2011 at 12:28

    I can understand this, I think. I am constantly hiding behind a mask. I have just found one person to talk to, who is helping me to talk better to the mental health professionals. Do you have one trustworthy person in your life to talk to?

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  4. mememe28 January 2011 at 16:39

    Thank you Karita, but am sorry that you can understand if you know what I mean. I'm not sure if I trust anyone really. But I do have a good cpn, altho she is off atm.

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