Today I feel...
Lonely, isolated, alone.
Ill, low energy, flagging.
That I want to do stuff but don't have the energy.
That I need to do the stuff I want to do because I need to distract my head from its thoughts, my heart from its feelings.
Old, realising I will be 40 this year. Did I mention alone, yes, I feel very alone.
What have I achieved in my nearly 40 years? Some pointless bits of paper that say I am qualified to do stuff that I can't now do as confidence gone, too terrified of people, responsibility, failure. I can live on my own, I can wash and dress and smile. I can be just fine thank you. I never feel it though. Is that good? I have made a few friends but lost most of them. I am frightened of myself.
This isn't supposed to be the story. All the shoulds revolve constantly (work, being sociable, going out, being useful, productive...) I want to work, I want to work without getting ill. The next job I have I want to keep. How to get there?
Maybe this'll be the year. I want to change, I need to change.
I have a little bit of change that needs to last me over a week.
HNY
I can identify with all of this and ihe beginning of a new year brings its own pressure to cast an eye back and make some plans and decisions for the future. 40 is a scary age ( I have just turned 41). You realise you are half way through your life and that most of your peers seem to have it 'sorted' and are looking forward to paying off their mortgage, retirement and sitting back comfortably whereas you feel as if you've slipped back to square one onlt with the disadvantages of being older (speaking persoanlly). The only way I seem able to deal with this is to work on small discrete activities and problems at a time and try not to concern my self too much with the bigger picture - such as doing a bit of voluntary work where I haven't had the pressure of meeting targets or even turning up but have met people and gained some confidence. I've learned that unless I take a risk - even a really tiny one - that involves stepping out my comfort zone from time to time, nothing ever happens, nothing ever changes.
ReplyDeleteBut I understand how difficult all this seems when you feel lousy and run down.
I wish there was a magic formula for wiping our brains of the energy sapping negative thoughts and guilt, the should-bes and should-haves. Sometimes the only thing to do is to tell yourself that tomorrow is another day and plan one achievable thing to do - then do it. But don't beat on yourself if you fail (another day etc.)
x
hey
ReplyDeleteThank you, for relating, but sorry you can relate too. you are right about taking little risks, that's what I need to do, before inertia eats me completely. good wishes x