I am trying to claim back my head, and my flat. Decided this morning that to do that I need to control my environment. I have cleaned like crazy today. My flat, like my head, feels infected. I need to rid it of whatever I have unleashed so that I can stay here. I like my flat. I don't like where it is, but once inside, it feels (or, felt) like home and if I am to live anywhere, then I would like to live here. I am generally a bit of a clean freak and find cleaning therapeutic once I start. But once I start, I over do it. Now it smells of cleaning products (mostly artificial citrus), which isn't good, but means that I have hopefully reduced the infection.
My head, I don't know how to cleanse that. I have been washing - alot. But it feels dirty and broken and that I need to stay in isolation to allow whatever it is to die or leave or fester. Trying to do normal stuff, but I don't feel normal, whatever that is, not even my normal.
I can't imagine now feeling "ok" for a whole day, or going out socially, or having a conversation that isn't an appointment. How did I get here? My head misbehaving? Life "events"? My stupidity? Stress? BPD isn't my name, but it feels like I am embodying it just now. Sick sick sick of it all.
Bath time.
Saturday, 29 January 2011
Thursday, 27 January 2011
...as if I'm on the edge of crisis
I don't want to go there again. I am so so tired due to lack of sleep. The meds don't work and am looking at ways to "treat" myself which is always alluring and never a good idea. It's ok if it's just me that feels am whirling into crisis. It's definitely not ok if others think that too. Saying "No, I'm fine, really" doesn't appease worried professionals who are just doing their job but are intensely annoying when I just want to be on my own. People who I usually trust to some extent, become so unwelcome and almost threatening. I don't trust them, I don't trust me. This is awful, but I wish it could be seen, this mess in my head. So I could point and say "ouch, please help". I can't, it's all hidden away behind polite smiles and desperate attempts to remain appropriate.
Sunday, 23 January 2011
...that maybe lists don't work afterall
I wasn't going to get up today. I didn't get up until after lunchtime. I had a list of things I was going to do, cleaning / sorting / bits of art / therapy homework etc. Nothing major, not solving any world dilemmas or crises, just things to get me through my day, and a Sunday - the most difficult of the week.
Everyday I write a list of what I need to do. Usually I start a list at the beginning of the week and put in what is due to happen, eg, appointments, gym visits etc. Then I fill it in until it is full up for the week and add stuff as time goes on. Without a list I feel anchorless and alot more anxious. I need to feel I have achieved something, which I find very hard to do as am not at work and work was what I used to try and feel a sense of achievement. I need to have time filled up, no time for my head to take off in unwelcome and often unsafe directions. Even if I just tick off "clean kitchen floor" (and actually do it), it is something that I have done and that is a good thing.
Today, I haven't followed my list, have gone off list. My one local friend invited me to go for a walk with her and her partner. I went. I didn't stay in bed as had seemed inevitable after 1 hour's sleep and it being Sunday and all. It was cloudy and chilly, but it was lovely to be out. To get muddy and cold and a bit damp. To come home and have tea and cake. To have friends in my flat who talked to me, who listened to me and who are lovely to me. The only people who usually come to my flat are mh workers and occasionally my parents. Today I had friends here. For those few hours, I was free of my lists. I didn't worry about them. Although I now feel anxious that I haven't done what I promised (this usually provokes self harm as punishment), I am wondering if the lists are actually helping or hindering me. Can I free wheel through the endless days? Can I do what I feel like when I feel like it? Or will I end up not getting up some days and stupidly active on others trying to catch up. Would it be better or worse? I don't know. But it's made me think.
Everyday I write a list of what I need to do. Usually I start a list at the beginning of the week and put in what is due to happen, eg, appointments, gym visits etc. Then I fill it in until it is full up for the week and add stuff as time goes on. Without a list I feel anchorless and alot more anxious. I need to feel I have achieved something, which I find very hard to do as am not at work and work was what I used to try and feel a sense of achievement. I need to have time filled up, no time for my head to take off in unwelcome and often unsafe directions. Even if I just tick off "clean kitchen floor" (and actually do it), it is something that I have done and that is a good thing.
Today, I haven't followed my list, have gone off list. My one local friend invited me to go for a walk with her and her partner. I went. I didn't stay in bed as had seemed inevitable after 1 hour's sleep and it being Sunday and all. It was cloudy and chilly, but it was lovely to be out. To get muddy and cold and a bit damp. To come home and have tea and cake. To have friends in my flat who talked to me, who listened to me and who are lovely to me. The only people who usually come to my flat are mh workers and occasionally my parents. Today I had friends here. For those few hours, I was free of my lists. I didn't worry about them. Although I now feel anxious that I haven't done what I promised (this usually provokes self harm as punishment), I am wondering if the lists are actually helping or hindering me. Can I free wheel through the endless days? Can I do what I feel like when I feel like it? Or will I end up not getting up some days and stupidly active on others trying to catch up. Would it be better or worse? I don't know. But it's made me think.
Friday, 21 January 2011
...Disabled by DLA consultation
Twice now I have looked at the DLA consultation which ends on 14 February. The first time I read most of the document (took ages, hard to take it all in) and planned to think about it and go back and respond. The second time, I read a bit more and wanted to add my response. But I haven't. I feel unable to respond. I feel frightened by authority at the best of times. Paranoia about cctv, police, post from anywhere "official" etc doesn't help when I am asked to register my details on a consultation form where what I want to say may be seen as criticism rather than comment, questions I want to ask rather than answers to questions I am asked. I am scared of the backlash. What if those who do respond to the consultation are then denied benefits because of the comments made?
I wanted to urge those making the changes to include the need for mental health specialists to be involved in the application form, assessment, and review process. I wanted to remind/tell them that my mental health, and that of many others, can fluctuate within the day, hour by hour. Sometimes I can do things, other times I can't. I don't want those who are invisibly disabled to society at large to be left unsupported as our needs cannot be easily seen or described.
I am ashamed of my fear but my fear won't let me respond.
I wanted to urge those making the changes to include the need for mental health specialists to be involved in the application form, assessment, and review process. I wanted to remind/tell them that my mental health, and that of many others, can fluctuate within the day, hour by hour. Sometimes I can do things, other times I can't. I don't want those who are invisibly disabled to society at large to be left unsupported as our needs cannot be easily seen or described.
I am ashamed of my fear but my fear won't let me respond.
Thursday, 20 January 2011
...that sometimes it's ok to be still
After chasing after my head, feeling unsafe if I sat down or worrying about what I hadn't done or what I should or shouldn't be doing, I NEEDed time to stop today. That is what I've done this afternoon. It has helped so much. The world hasn't collapsed because the sofa is warm from my sitting on it in the afternoon sun, my head is just about on my shoulders. This has been a couple of hours of "just" being, a huge challenge at times like now, but very welcome. I have been thinking about a new art project. Am looking at mixed media, something I haven't tried properly before and am relating it to some of the stuff in therapy.
I feel so busy which makes me feel guilty for mentioning and and and will sound ridiculous to those who are at work. Stuff to do: many appointments, keeping up with my own demands upon myself, gym, therapy homework, clean freaking. I have been on full time distraction for weeks. I have hardly slept over an hour a night for several weeks and am feeling it badly. But I need to remember that there is a reason for needing to distract myself and that being so tired is natural when so sleep deprived and physically pushing myself in the hope of finding the missing sleep.
Stopping is good sometimes. Please slow down my busy head.
I feel so busy which makes me feel guilty for mentioning and and and will sound ridiculous to those who are at work. Stuff to do: many appointments, keeping up with my own demands upon myself, gym, therapy homework, clean freaking. I have been on full time distraction for weeks. I have hardly slept over an hour a night for several weeks and am feeling it badly. But I need to remember that there is a reason for needing to distract myself and that being so tired is natural when so sleep deprived and physically pushing myself in the hope of finding the missing sleep.
Stopping is good sometimes. Please slow down my busy head.
Saturday, 15 January 2011
One month before heartbreak post
http://onemonthbeforeheartbreak.blogspot.com/
I have no idea if I have posted the link properly above, (dinosaur me), but just want to credit the fact that I heard about the One Month Before Heartbreak idea through reading Karita's great post on If Narky, Feed Profusely and an idea from Phil Groom? If anyone can point me in the direction of crediting/linking properly that would be so kind, if anyone is in fact reading. Thankyou.
I have a postcard on my fridge door. I have had it for years and it came as a birthday card a long time ago. Somehow while I was making tea in the early hours, it got me thinking about this post, and this DLA disaster about to happen, the big society idea etc. I like the sound of the big society in some ways, the idea of communities coming together, working together, increasing tolerance and understanding. But, providing services that otherwise will be lost due to cuts, relying on volunteers to excess, no. I don't understand how the party who dreamt this Big Society up can genuinely look people in the eye and say that they were also the party whose leader in the past said "there is no such thing as society".
The postcard: A long dining table with benches on 3 sides, each with many small white rabbits sitting on them. A larger (adult?) rabbit is standing at the 4th side of the table, holding a very large carrot in one paw, and is about to cut up the carrot with a knife, presumably to feed the many other smaller rabbits.
This may sound strange, please forgive me. But I got to thinking, always dangerous. The bigger / adult rabbit who is standing up -or the one that seems to be in charge (she looks kind and friendly so not sure I can make the leap to a comparison with the ConDems but anyway...) seems to be providing for the other, smaller rabbits, who are waiting to be fed, they don't have any food of their own. They are looking expectantly, but none of them is grabbing for the food or fighting for it.
I am not too well at the moment but I am not a small white rabbit, that I do know. And I can go and get food. I can cut it up. In that respect I am absolutely fine. However, I am not able to work at the moment, supported by several mh professionals. I live on ESA and DLA. This isn't what I want or what I planned to happen for me. I have lost four jobs (so far) due to my mental ill health. I want to work and get to a place where I can do that sustainably without lurching between crises. I want to be independent. I want to be able to provide carrots for those who cannot provide them for themselves and one day I hope this is achievable. But I do need time to be able to get there, and without DLA I doubt that I could keep my tiny HA flat or get to appointments, activities that aim to support me.
What if one of those rabbits (or one in four) is accidentally missed out, or missed out on purpose and doesn't get his/her slice of carrot to sustain him/her until the next meal? What if s/he lacks confidence to ask for help, what if s/he is too ashamed to ask because others might say s/he doesn't deserve the carrot? What if what if what if. I am trying to make a point, and failing, but on I go...
DLA is the carrot. It is necessary to provide for those who can't provide for themselves, whether this is long or short term. I fear that for those with mental health issues, issues that we can't see and which many do not want to see or acknowledge, DLA will become "unnecessary" as of course many of us are mobile or not deemed to be in greatest need.
I have gone on long enough. The idea made sense, I doubt the post does, but, there, I tried.
I have no idea if I have posted the link properly above, (dinosaur me), but just want to credit the fact that I heard about the One Month Before Heartbreak idea through reading Karita's great post on If Narky, Feed Profusely and an idea from Phil Groom? If anyone can point me in the direction of crediting/linking properly that would be so kind, if anyone is in fact reading. Thankyou.
I have a postcard on my fridge door. I have had it for years and it came as a birthday card a long time ago. Somehow while I was making tea in the early hours, it got me thinking about this post, and this DLA disaster about to happen, the big society idea etc. I like the sound of the big society in some ways, the idea of communities coming together, working together, increasing tolerance and understanding. But, providing services that otherwise will be lost due to cuts, relying on volunteers to excess, no. I don't understand how the party who dreamt this Big Society up can genuinely look people in the eye and say that they were also the party whose leader in the past said "there is no such thing as society".
The postcard: A long dining table with benches on 3 sides, each with many small white rabbits sitting on them. A larger (adult?) rabbit is standing at the 4th side of the table, holding a very large carrot in one paw, and is about to cut up the carrot with a knife, presumably to feed the many other smaller rabbits.
This may sound strange, please forgive me. But I got to thinking, always dangerous. The bigger / adult rabbit who is standing up -or the one that seems to be in charge (she looks kind and friendly so not sure I can make the leap to a comparison with the ConDems but anyway...) seems to be providing for the other, smaller rabbits, who are waiting to be fed, they don't have any food of their own. They are looking expectantly, but none of them is grabbing for the food or fighting for it.
I am not too well at the moment but I am not a small white rabbit, that I do know. And I can go and get food. I can cut it up. In that respect I am absolutely fine. However, I am not able to work at the moment, supported by several mh professionals. I live on ESA and DLA. This isn't what I want or what I planned to happen for me. I have lost four jobs (so far) due to my mental ill health. I want to work and get to a place where I can do that sustainably without lurching between crises. I want to be independent. I want to be able to provide carrots for those who cannot provide them for themselves and one day I hope this is achievable. But I do need time to be able to get there, and without DLA I doubt that I could keep my tiny HA flat or get to appointments, activities that aim to support me.
What if one of those rabbits (or one in four) is accidentally missed out, or missed out on purpose and doesn't get his/her slice of carrot to sustain him/her until the next meal? What if s/he lacks confidence to ask for help, what if s/he is too ashamed to ask because others might say s/he doesn't deserve the carrot? What if what if what if. I am trying to make a point, and failing, but on I go...
DLA is the carrot. It is necessary to provide for those who can't provide for themselves, whether this is long or short term. I fear that for those with mental health issues, issues that we can't see and which many do not want to see or acknowledge, DLA will become "unnecessary" as of course many of us are mobile or not deemed to be in greatest need.
I have gone on long enough. The idea made sense, I doubt the post does, but, there, I tried.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Doing not Feeling
Too hard to talk about feelings, so this is what I did today:
Sent 3 texts to CPN
Got 2 texts and call from CPN
Got up at midday
Cleared dead leaves and branches from patch of garden near flat
Cried in a shop, apologised, said thank you
Brushed my beautiful cat and fed beautiful cat on demand
Made two small arty things, not sure what they are yet, but at least they are started
Made some yummy indian food all by myself without burning it
Waved to my neighbour who I haven't spoken to since September
Done stuff see, I can do stuff, just can't bear to feel stuff. Plan: be busy.
Sent 3 texts to CPN
Got 2 texts and call from CPN
Got up at midday
Cleared dead leaves and branches from patch of garden near flat
Cried in a shop, apologised, said thank you
Brushed my beautiful cat and fed beautiful cat on demand
Made two small arty things, not sure what they are yet, but at least they are started
Made some yummy indian food all by myself without burning it
Waved to my neighbour who I haven't spoken to since September
Done stuff see, I can do stuff, just can't bear to feel stuff. Plan: be busy.
Saturday, 8 January 2011
Philip Larkin was right
It is getting to the point where I am almost laughing at how bad things are. But, not really. How long to keep doing my list of distractions on the crisis plan. fjweotfhap;ew airghqireo gtaierhgoierjgo3OORJFTosajrogjrgfopeopteropjesojdgoiaejrgaejr'gojrotg'oaejrgpojrtorjgaoperdjgore;gojreogj'aoprjgopaer'raeojgeaordgjadjhgorje'g5opmeeva0o03W90HOJ54ETOSHT;ILOPEAUJRGFOLAIW'P;JHG4wojrg[opljgvoi u4er4EJRG[5EOJVO54;ROPGJ
Thursday, 6 January 2011
...shit
I don't know what to write, there is so much in my head and am in turmoil but feel too cautious to say what's going on. Anonymity is precious. How to protect? How to vent safely?
Today I have let myself down. Things got too much and I needed a pressure release. I cut for the first time in a while. It felt fantastic and despicable. And now another thing to hide from people. So, yeah, shit today.
Today I have let myself down. Things got too much and I needed a pressure release. I cut for the first time in a while. It felt fantastic and despicable. And now another thing to hide from people. So, yeah, shit today.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Gah
Today I feel...
Lonely, isolated, alone.
Ill, low energy, flagging.
That I want to do stuff but don't have the energy.
That I need to do the stuff I want to do because I need to distract my head from its thoughts, my heart from its feelings.
Old, realising I will be 40 this year. Did I mention alone, yes, I feel very alone.
What have I achieved in my nearly 40 years? Some pointless bits of paper that say I am qualified to do stuff that I can't now do as confidence gone, too terrified of people, responsibility, failure. I can live on my own, I can wash and dress and smile. I can be just fine thank you. I never feel it though. Is that good? I have made a few friends but lost most of them. I am frightened of myself.
This isn't supposed to be the story. All the shoulds revolve constantly (work, being sociable, going out, being useful, productive...) I want to work, I want to work without getting ill. The next job I have I want to keep. How to get there?
Maybe this'll be the year. I want to change, I need to change.
I have a little bit of change that needs to last me over a week.
HNY
Lonely, isolated, alone.
Ill, low energy, flagging.
That I want to do stuff but don't have the energy.
That I need to do the stuff I want to do because I need to distract my head from its thoughts, my heart from its feelings.
Old, realising I will be 40 this year. Did I mention alone, yes, I feel very alone.
What have I achieved in my nearly 40 years? Some pointless bits of paper that say I am qualified to do stuff that I can't now do as confidence gone, too terrified of people, responsibility, failure. I can live on my own, I can wash and dress and smile. I can be just fine thank you. I never feel it though. Is that good? I have made a few friends but lost most of them. I am frightened of myself.
This isn't supposed to be the story. All the shoulds revolve constantly (work, being sociable, going out, being useful, productive...) I want to work, I want to work without getting ill. The next job I have I want to keep. How to get there?
Maybe this'll be the year. I want to change, I need to change.
I have a little bit of change that needs to last me over a week.
HNY
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