Can we just cancel?

OK, enough now, please can we just cancel New Year's Eve and get on with things? I hate NYE, I don't know what am supposed to be celebrating (and hope with meds to sleep through it). I don't want to reflect on what I haven't achieved in the past year, too scared to consider the coming one. I need some support, and appointments being suspended over the "holiday" period don't help. Oh, and I seem to have a coldy nasty thing going on which isn't helping. Bah Humbug.

Surviving Christmas

Hope if anyone reads this, that you have as good a Christmas as possible. I am going to slope off for a bit, not that it will make any difference as my posting isn't prolific! The stress is rising, the sleep is reducing, meds are increasing, tis the season etc...
Be safe

Voyeurism?

This blog is hard to write. I am wondering if I am just a voyeur. I like reading several blogs and feel less alone when I read mental health blogs that I can relate to. I am worried to write here though. Is it ok to read others' blogs and yet write sparsely here? I am paranoid about remaining anonymous. I write in several places on the internet on different topics. I hoped I could restart blogging and that this could be my safe place to let out what I can't say elsewhere. But am worried that what I hoped isn't possible. I am not an exciting person, I don't have world shattering news, or theories or great ideas. But I do feel and have opinions and I am trying to be a person who can make links with other persons. I don't know about this anymore...if I stop blogging again, another failure, another loss of connection. But if I continue, in this small paranoid fashion... Really not sure.

... exhausted

Today I feel exhausted. My head gymnastics are wearing me out so thought I would spend the day wearing myself out physically, becoming perfectly congruent inside and out somehow...
Domestic chores started early this morning, I seem to start one job and mid way through start on something else, forgetting what I was doing before so again start anew, so by the end of my self imposed finish "that's enough" point, it took ages to clear up all the chaos I'd caused during tidying. I then went to the gym. Sometimes it's a punishment, sometimes it's an achievement, sometimes it's just routine, but I need to go. I never look forward to going but am always glad when I've been. But, I've done too much. Exhausted. Worried that I've made things worse, as not sure I have the energy to deal with my head. But the weekend is nearly done, that's a positive. 

...Wobbly

Wobbly but hopeful, elated but defeated, making progress, falling back.
There is stuff in my head that needs to come out, but there isn't an appropriate bin / disposal unit for it. And how to get it out unobserved but with my head vaguely intact? The visual stuff is very worrying, given that it is new and that I am sleeping much better due to heavy duty meds and it still happens, catching me out. Dissociation is tricky too, I seem to be getting stuck between "there" (the past) and "here", and finding it hard to get back to now properly : ( I do feel that I am making steps forwards, I have good support at the moment (please don't pull it away just yet), wish that I could keep moments of hopefulness in a jar for times like now, when it all falls upside down and I am lost. I know it is a winding journey of recovery, there aren't short cuts like we found while doing cross country at school, it is a long slog.

...Frustrated

Today I feel frustrated.
This will be short, the cold and the snow have stifled me, short of words.
Had hoped this week would have a routine, I like, need, want routines. But, appointments are cancelled - again. There is no safety net. Feel so alone. I know I am lucky to have a roof and be warm. But my head needs some support that I can't seem to give it. 

to sleep or not

There have been awful new things appearing, (I think my cat notices, staring oddly and then rushing about with no direction, but noone else here to witness). I have heard voices for years - or rather, it is more that those that abused me are still around and I hear them, see them, smell them.  Describing this experience as "hearing voices" doesn't do justice to the horror but I also recognise this is how it is explained. But this is new, seeing awful  things that I can't NOT believe. Rats running amok in my flat, dead bodies slumped over my chairs, all sorts of things. Have been hoping that it's "just" sleep deprivation. Heavy duty meds, which either don't work at normal dose and I end up more exhausted and with a meds hangover, or knock me out at max dose and so feel better for having slept, but the stuff is still there. I don't need something else to contend with. Had hoped that a bit of decent sleep would sort it out. I wonder if they will go, I hope so. No appointments this week due to snow - noone to tell. Hmmmph.