what to say?...

Want to write, just not sure what to say. Had and having a really crappy time. This is the first weekend in a while that I am trying to survive through alone, having had crisis team support to get through the past few. (They did help this time). 
The crunch seems to be, I have no idea why I am alive. The futility of it all feels all consuming and overwhelming, clouding all attempts to distract, be busy, just do stuff. I have no relationship to work for, no family of my own to be better for, to be there (here?) for. I have lost links with close family and most friends. There is noone who needs me. It seems I am working towards working again, something that terrifies me. Workers tell me of the value of work, of how much I have to offer (ha!) how good it is for everyone. I have always thought that I want, need to get back to work and that has been motivating in the past. I used to live to work, it defined my very being. 

Now? Now I dread it, dread failing again, letting people down again, dread the paranoia contact with people evokes, dread the deadening exhaustion of working without sleep, dread working without a life to make it seem worth it. For years I have been driven by the guilt that being on benefits brings. Is this any reason to keep going? How to see beyond this pointlessness?
This is why I haven't written, why I don't know what to write. I want to reach out but then this comes out. 

How different the outside can be from the inside

Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.

I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.

I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?

...lost for words

What on earth to say when my friend's four year old looks at my arm and says "Ouch"?
I hadn't seen my friend for months. After said four year old asked her where I had gone, if they would ever see me again, I decided it was time to make the effort and visit. Had a lovely time, played, was given medals for sitting on the bed and presented with drawings with hearts and flowers on. We had cake and candles just because we could.
At bedtime, I was honoured to be asked to read the story. It was lovely. Lovely remembering that I used to feel comfortable around children, that I used to have a job working with them, lovely to remember why that was, that I enjoy their company. Lovely until almost the end of the story, when little four began studying and stroking my wrist. "What's that?" "Does it hurt?" "How that happened?" I hid my arm, she wanted to check it, looking into my eyes. "It's ok isn't it?"
I feel despicable. I reassured and brushed off her gorgeous innocent concern. It's ok, but really, no, it's not ok. I hope that you never have to see that again, that you never feel the need to do that to yourself. I am so sorry. Because to me it seems so much better and healed and clean I had forgotten to hide. I will never forget again. So so sorry. 

Gah

Today I feel...
Lonely, isolated, alone.
Ill, low energy, flagging.
That I want to do stuff but don't have the energy.
That I need to do the stuff I want to do because I need to distract my head from its thoughts, my heart from its feelings.
Old, realising I will be 40 this year. Did I mention alone, yes, I feel very alone.
What have I achieved in my nearly 40 years? Some pointless bits of paper that say I am qualified to do stuff that I can't now do as confidence gone, too terrified of people, responsibility, failure. I can live on my own, I can wash and dress and smile. I can be just fine thank you. I never feel it though. Is that good? I have made a few friends but lost most of them. I am frightened of myself.

This isn't supposed to be the story. All the shoulds revolve constantly (work, being sociable, going out, being useful, productive...) I want to work, I want to work without getting ill. The next job I have I want to keep. How to get there?
Maybe this'll be the year. I want to change, I need to change.
I have a little bit of change that needs to last me over a week.
HNY

gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

Why do "small" things have such an effect? When I hear someone has "bounced back" from something stressful, an illness, a knock back, a redundancy, a loss, I think of resilience, strength, hope. I haven't had any of the above events happen. I have a head full of nothing that makes sense. A medical form arrives, I spend a short time with family, and all hell breaks loose inside me. I would like to bounce back, and no doubt I will crawl back to current existence soon, but also feel ridiculous for apparently minor things having such an impact. Once upon a time I worked, I seemed to manage for a while, I had friends, plans. I want to be capable, useful, look outwards not inwards. Have some bounce. How I am now, this isn't me, but this is all of me.
I don't want to see those who support me. I have nothing to say, yet I need to keep contact to get out of my hole. As I said, gwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.