What on earth to say when my friend's four year old looks at my arm and says "Ouch"?
I hadn't seen my friend for months. After said four year old asked her where I had gone, if they would ever see me again, I decided it was time to make the effort and visit. Had a lovely time, played, was given medals for sitting on the bed and presented with drawings with hearts and flowers on. We had cake and candles just because we could.
At bedtime, I was honoured to be asked to read the story. It was lovely. Lovely remembering that I used to feel comfortable around children, that I used to have a job working with them, lovely to remember why that was, that I enjoy their company. Lovely until almost the end of the story, when little four began studying and stroking my wrist. "What's that?" "Does it hurt?" "How that happened?" I hid my arm, she wanted to check it, looking into my eyes. "It's ok isn't it?"
I feel despicable. I reassured and brushed off her gorgeous innocent concern. It's ok, but really, no, it's not ok. I hope that you never have to see that again, that you never feel the need to do that to yourself. I am so sorry. Because to me it seems so much better and healed and clean I had forgotten to hide. I will never forget again. So so sorry.
It breaks you inside doesn't it. To realise that you aren't as great at hiding it as you thought you were. Children are a lot more perceptive than perhaps we give them credit for. It would make me lost for words too. Let this be a painful reminder. All it takes is one discovery to take you under.
ReplyDeleteLots of support and warmth x
I can totally relate. It is so heart breaking. Their little innocent eyes. I work with children and i cut my legs because nobody ever sees them. I cant face the questions and the stares. I am pretty weak in that respect. But i dread the day i have children and they see my legs and are old enough to ask "what are those marks on your legs mummy?". It really is heart breaking. And it really does make you honestly look at them and think "i hope and pray that you NEVER feel so much emotional pain that you have to hurt yourself! It stops you in your tracks. Try not to beat yourself up... you didnt mean any harm and if it comes to it, just blame it on the cat (or somebody elses if you dont have one!
ReplyDelete*hugs* xxx
Thank you both, really appreciate your comments. It was so difficult and I caused the difficulty. It will definitely make me think more in future x
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