petrified

I am petrified, unable to write due to fear of being "seen", recognised, of my anonymity disappearing. But maybe I will try again after a break? This is the third blog I have tried to write, each time retreating with the same fear, I don't want to fail again as I do think it is a way to connect with others while it remains so hard in "real" life.

I think I'm back, isn't that thrilling?

Maybe I will blog again, third time lucky?
But, due to ongoing paranoia am thinking of maybe just doing one line posts, or mundane mumblings of small life stuff. Will see. Have just missed feeling part of the blogging community, even tho still following the blogs I regularly read, it seems/feels wrong to not at least try and blog myself.
Brief update, have started TC. It is very very very very very hard. My head is hurting and I am hurting myself to try and relieve this pain.
Small life stuff has helped today though, why are jobs like emptying bins, cleaning the bathroom, washing my cat's food bowls, doing washing, sooo satisfying? Blue sky and sunshine outside, but can't face leaving my flat as neighbours are outside. How pathetic. How nice it is to moan here again. Maybe I say too much for one liners....

Voyeurism?

This blog is hard to write. I am wondering if I am just a voyeur. I like reading several blogs and feel less alone when I read mental health blogs that I can relate to. I am worried to write here though. Is it ok to read others' blogs and yet write sparsely here? I am paranoid about remaining anonymous. I write in several places on the internet on different topics. I hoped I could restart blogging and that this could be my safe place to let out what I can't say elsewhere. But am worried that what I hoped isn't possible. I am not an exciting person, I don't have world shattering news, or theories or great ideas. But I do feel and have opinions and I am trying to be a person who can make links with other persons. I don't know about this anymore...if I stop blogging again, another failure, another loss of connection. But if I continue, in this small paranoid fashion... Really not sure.

Here goes

I am trying blogging again. Failed last time as got paranoid about talking about myself. But I've found it hard not to have a place to vent. I've kept following blogs and want to try and feel I belong to some sort of community. I have borderline personality disorder (spit). I'm sure there is/was more to me than that but my mental health does swamp my present existence far too much. And the fact that it feels like an existence, rather than a life makes me frown. 
Here is for whatever comes up, see how it goes.