How different the outside can be from the inside

Thank you for the comments on the last post. This carries on from there in a way. The stretch between how I can come across, appear, perform to others, and how I really feel inside, where noone can see, is becoming more painful and harder to manage. This is a bad thing.

I don't want to drag myself around, telling the world how things feel inside. I do want to change, get better, be better and being in the world and interacting with people. I get up, mostly, I smile when I need to, I try. But when I seek support, when I go to a place where others may be able to relate even a little bit to others' struggles, I don't expect to come away feeling worse.

I worked, for a reason now unfathomable, in mental health for a while. I was struggling undiagnosed at that time, had times off, crisis intervention etc. Some people who I worked with knew, some didn't. I felt lost and useless, awkward in my role and in myself. I left, unable to cope. During that time and afterwards I avoided mh centres etc. Three years on I am trying to find ways to manage the times away from TC, therapy, which are a real struggle. To then go to somewhere seeking solace and to be told that I look fine and questioned as to why I can get support and someone else can't. Felt destroyed. So, am back to wondering, is it worth venturing outwards. Hello lonely world, can I make friends with you?