Struggling again with identity. When alone it doesn't matter. Or does it matter more because I am alone, does my confusion about this add to keeping me alone? When around people, who on earth am I? Most people have different sides to themselves that come to the fore in different situations I think. I believe that I have good insight but I don't know how I come across, so maybe I don't have insight - something I have been clinging to with hope. Maybe because how I feel is so at odds with how I seem to be able to perform.
So, as I have no idea what to write here, thought I'd start a list of roles and things that I feel identify me, see if that helps. Self absorbed, me??!
I am:
female
british
gay
binge eater
borderline
obese
mental health service user
graduate
daughter
sister
aunty
friend (bit unsure of this just now but trying)
gym member
benefit scum
walker
community member
patient
cat owner
tenant
radio 4 listener
Wonder what made these come out in this order... they aren't all in order of importance. Or my order of importance, but what do I know, no idea who I am or what I think.
I know exactly how you feel. I've never truly believed i have good insight into who I really am but I'm starting to feel increasingly that it doesn't matter as much as i thought it did. I'm fully aware that i am at least 2 different people; the one overly confident, loud and extravagant (manic?), the other shy, house-bound, crippled by self-loathing and practically mute (depressed?) as well as many things inbetween. This has cost me alot of friends since they have never been able to predict which 'me' they may get on any given day. But these days I have a few that truly understand and take me as I am in all my mutations. I do think there is still a core that is essentially me and frankly those who aren't able to relate or accept me these days are friends not really worth having. I think writing your list is a good idea but i think you are a little haesh on yourself in places. maybe ask someone who knows you well to write another list for you and compare.
ReplyDeletetake care xxx
Thank you Lovely. I too have forfeited friends as there is no consistent me. I have no idea who might know me well enough to write a list, I don't feel anyone knows me very much. x
ReplyDelete