slipping

Slipping down into... what?
My energy is gone. I cannot sleep but I cannot properly be awake.
I have given myself so many excuses that I don't need to make the 3 minute walk to the shop. It can wait, I can wait, life can wait.
I have a list, things that I need to do, things that I haven't done, this list preys on my mind. As if doom is certain if I don't get the minutiae of life done. Does any of it matter? It has to in a way, what else does?
I am grateful for a break in therapy but, I am lost in it too.

What is going on?

I don't understand what's going on, either with the riots or with myself.
What are we as humans doing to allow / make this happen? Disspiriting and depressing. Heart is hurting pathetically for those that have been made homeless, have died or been injured, lost livelihoods and got caught up in something that they didn't want to be involved in. Humanity can be good, but just now, this, this is frightening.

Overwhelmed, bombarded, hopeless, shattered, hurt, worried, powerless. 
It is often a whimsical thought - that I want to escape the world, or stop it and to get off...

sad

hey you,yes, you (me), you (me) are very sad indeed.
stop wallowing in horrible wasteful feelings and get on
life is shit but everyone knows that, isolation is normal if you can't relate to people, it is ok to be this lonely if you can't hack the social world, it is perfectly ok to struggle, everyone does it, get on,
deal with it
Ok?

what to say?...

Want to write, just not sure what to say. Had and having a really crappy time. This is the first weekend in a while that I am trying to survive through alone, having had crisis team support to get through the past few. (They did help this time). 
The crunch seems to be, I have no idea why I am alive. The futility of it all feels all consuming and overwhelming, clouding all attempts to distract, be busy, just do stuff. I have no relationship to work for, no family of my own to be better for, to be there (here?) for. I have lost links with close family and most friends. There is noone who needs me. It seems I am working towards working again, something that terrifies me. Workers tell me of the value of work, of how much I have to offer (ha!) how good it is for everyone. I have always thought that I want, need to get back to work and that has been motivating in the past. I used to live to work, it defined my very being. 

Now? Now I dread it, dread failing again, letting people down again, dread the paranoia contact with people evokes, dread the deadening exhaustion of working without sleep, dread working without a life to make it seem worth it. For years I have been driven by the guilt that being on benefits brings. Is this any reason to keep going? How to see beyond this pointlessness?
This is why I haven't written, why I don't know what to write. I want to reach out but then this comes out. 

... bad day

After going to bed last night feeling fairly ok, and sleeping a good few hours (hooray) I do not understand why I have felt so shit today. Like a pile of rubble has been dumped on me and my fragile head. I have done so little I can't even write a post about what I have done it is too embarrassing how little I have done. I have cleaned - a little bit, I have walked to the shop. Trying not to binge, trying not to self harm. Go me.
On returning from the shop a man rushed up to me, talking far too much. He insisted that he needed to apologise to me. I didn't recognise him but rarely recognise people, especially when they suddenly appear in front of me. He was apparently the man who has whizzed past me a few times in a car and shouted something out of the window in my direction. I have presumed each time that it was abuse he was shouting and tried to ignore him. He was, in fact, telling me he would give me a lift. He wanted to apologise as he said he realised that I hadn't recognised him. (I still don't!) But he lives near and was obviously trying to be neighbourly. Cynical me. I thanked him for explaining and came back to hide again.

I am now riddled with paranoia - at least I hope it's that and not reality. Why would he want to offer me a lift? He doesn't know me. Scared of my past coming to get me. Has this just caught me on a bad day? Hope can shake this feeling off tomorrow. Am staying in hiding until it makes more sense. I know this post doesn't.

Don't know how I feel so...

...this is what I've done today instead:
* Been to GP's to get weighed, am being monitored as need to reduce my huge size by, erm, about half. So desolate and stuck. Can't seem to cut my reliance on food to help me/stop me feeling.

* Had NHS dentist appointment. Lasted maybe 2 minutes maximum. Don't feel very confident that my teeth are as fine as the dentist seemed to guess after a vague glance inside my mouth.

* Came home for CPN appointment. Wasn't in the mood, felt irritable with the world, my neighbours and the cat. But, it turned out to be really useful - (this seems to happen sometimes, the least welcome appointments can often be fruitful). We talked about what I do to look after myself. I am to look into having some FUN! and to learn how to ENJOY! myself.

Have a lonely weekend ahead, but maybe today's chat will motivate me to change this in future.
I want to continue this blog, but, as my feelings seem hard to detect amongst the mire currently, thought I could talk about the doing rather than how it feels for a bit. Anyway. Will see.

ugh

Riveting here ain't it?! Still battling with myself as to whether it's safe to post here about how I feel, so not around much, but still following others so keeping this blog (barely) alive.
Currently the jury is out as to whether I can safely write but am still feeling lots and nowhere to go with it.
Struggling with urges to cut, as if running away from my head but keep returning to the same circular train of thoughts that will not leave me alone. Will cutting help? No. Will it reinforce my self hatred? Yes. Will it give more weight to the BPd diagnosis? Probably/yes. Wah.
But I am still alive and able to think about these things so it's not all bad.